No matter how crippled, female, or black.

Remember being a kid, and your parents would take you to rated R movies? Oh, man, maybe you had the cool parents that would drop you off at an R rated movie, and you thought you were so cool (like talking about dirty things in the concession line with your fellow school boy cool). I mean, come on, your parents are allowing you to break the f-cking law. Ok, that's not what they are really doing (unless they drop you off, then that's exactly what they are doing), but man. I can only think of one rated R movie that I got to see, without an adult. Hannibal. I was eleven.
     I could go on about this topic for a while, but let's face it. I'm a whopping 21. Children, especially prepubesent ones fear and revere me. So on Sunday, I did the ticket buying. I got my own snacks (ok, I got my own popcorn, and my friend bought most of our snacks at a Bartells down the road). I watched The Dictator. I didn't see Bruno, but I did see Borat. Seeing as how this is Sacha Baron Cohen's...thing...I expected a movie that my brothers and friends would remind me that you can't unsee things. I guess, because of that, I went in with expectations that were..a bit..high. And no, silly billy, I'm not making a marijuana reference, but truth be told, it might have made the movie funnier.
     For the first part of the movie, our main man Admiral General Aladeen is the dictator of Wadiya. As an awful, self-absorbed douchebag, he's not very offensive. His humor is dark, yes, executing people left and right like he's just trying to swat a fly out of the air, but it is still simply comedic. All the little boys in the audience thought he was hilarious. I found his dialogue...Aladeen.

There aren't a lot of jokes that don't include his index finger.

      But the magic wore off fast. As soon as he lost his beard and donned a feminism whateverthefuck shirt that he found in a bin somewhere off screen, I was no longer impressed. Look, this doesn't mean I didn't laugh. Because I did! As a regular comedy, this movie is pretty alright! I enjoy slapstick (especially sudden slapstick) to be friggen hilarious. I could watch him throw (and I'm positive this was in the trailer) that trash can into that taxi forever. When he is both offensive and abusive, I laughed the most. I mean, come on, is this a boy or an abortion? 
You know what? Props to the entire pregnant scene. That was a bit offensive. 

I think that's about it. Oh, I would also like to give a huge props to the writers for making a movie about current events that even I could follow. To be frank (but you can call me Aunty), I don't...exactly read the news every day. Ok? Ok. I said it. There.
One last thing: Wost Edward Norton cameo ever.

I'm too high for this s**t.

Guys, I'm trying to eat as many tortilla chips as I can before my sister-in-law comes home. Why? Because one time, I went to go see Peter Jackson's King Kong with two of my brothers, and one of them ordered a large popcorn and he apparently made a silent vow to eat all the popcorn before the King hit the screen. Isn't it hilarious that King Kong didn't appear until like, half way through the movie? It probably took him fifteen minutes to down the whole thing. Anyway, these two stories are actually unrelated, and what's more unrelated?

You can watch this movie, or
just play FIFA.

      Attack the Block. During (and this is according to Wikipedia) Bonfire Night, which is a celebration of all things that explode which in Great Britain is the fifth of November (I'm looking at you, brother. Watching V for Vendetta does teach you everything you need to know about British culture. Suck on that, loser!), some punk kids try to jump some lady, but oh no, in the midst of all the fireworks an alien comes crashing down landing facefirst (not really) into a car. Moses, our leader (don't be fooled), upon inspection and minor purloining (let that be your word of the day), gets attacked by the alien, so he seeks out an ego-filled revenge, hunting the little bastard down, and killing it. Then, and I do this with every animal I kill, he parades around with the corpse (I learned just now that a carcass is a dead animal, but the third definition adds: what's left of an animal after the butcher has removed the inedible parts. Huh.) like the champion that he is, and then..

"No one is ever going to call you Mayhem if you keep
acting like a pussy."

     ...brings it to his drug dealers flat? Who cares. Ok, you know how hornets and yellow-jackets release an alarm pheromone that tells his friends I'm dead come kill the shit out of who did this to me? Same thing. So, this sets up the rest of the movie, of this gang using all the street-smart they've got to protect themselves. I wish they had focused more on the action, because what action they did show was so great. I mean, just downright awesome. But, they didn't. The action was brief, and instead, there was a lot of dialogue that I'm embarrassed to say, but I really appreciated when my brother clicked on the subtitles. I mean, street-slang is one thing, but British street-slang? I..I don't even know. I could have watched the movie on mute and probably would have understood more of the dialogue.

Not a blue light in sight.

     Ok, but what about those aliens? They were awesome. They were these pitch black gorilla creatures with bright blue glowing teeth. They're pretty baller, I will admit.
     But I didn't like this movie. I mean, I liked it. I had a pretty ok time. I just had really high expectations for a movie this good, and they weren't met. The cast was well designed, but poorly played. Too much dialogue, not enough action, and a really stupid ending. What's that? I shouldn't judge a movie on realism because the plot has to do with aliens? No. Eff that. Just because aliens are invading doesn't mean that gas and fire interact differently.
     Lastly, I think that everyone in the world needs to learn that you should never sell a movie by sticking the words Shaun of the Dead on it. It will only lead to heartbreak (the last time I fell for this trick was Dead and Breakfast. Oh god. Never again.).

One of Ten: A Serbian Film

This is the only movie that I
actually have the poster for.

When I was a teenager, I lent Chuck Palahniuk's Choke to my ten-years-older-than-me brother after I had finished reading it. He said, "I can't believe you read this." I think he was talking about how he was a little surprised that his dear little sister read a book about a sex-addict pretending to almost die all the time. Well, brother, um..don't freak out.
     I don't know what to tackle first: the plot, or the controversy. I guess I'll start with the controversy. A Serbian Film has been banned (either temporarily or permanently) from Spain, Norway, Australia, and Brazil. It received a limited and highly edited release in the United Kingdom and the United States, and you certainly will never be able to rent it from Netflix. It is a movie that a lot of viewers wish they had never seen, and few of them are willing to see it again after that. Common words to describe this film are "unwatchable", "disgusting", "dirty", "wrong", and the like. One reviewer also put it well: "You don't want to see A Serbian Film. You only think you do." So, what's got everyone's panties in a knot?
     A Serbian Film is a horrific and tragic and in my eyes the most misunderstood tale of a man who just wanted to save his family. Miloš is a retired porn star who has left his adulterous life behind to care for his beautiful wife and son, but at this point, they are facing poverty. One day, Miloš receives an offer to be in an "art film" directed by a man named Vukmir, an independent director with a clean background (so says Miloš's cop-brother). Vukmir promises Miloš he will never have to worry about money ever again, and while Miloš is hesitant, he accepts the role. Of course, after consulting his wife. There's a great line, when Vukmir and Miloš first shake hands, and Vukmir says, "your hand is special, for it has jerked a special cock." Come on, that's funny.
     When Miloš inquires what the nature of the film is and what will be asked of him, the director keeps quiet. He tells Miloš that he is the star, and his only job in this film is to, well, fuck. After all, Miloš is known for his ability to hold an erection as long as the camera is on him.Vukmir wants Miloš to look as natural as possible, so he can't spoil any surprises.

I don't know what's more twisted: finding out your dad was
a porn star, or finding out your dad directed A Serbian Film.

     I'm going to put this really bluntly, but I will not go into details. Rape, murder, pedophilia, necrophilia, and one more that I won't give away. All of these scenes are intensely graphic, and heart-wrenchingly brutal. In fact, it's no surprise that they are the only things that audiences can take out of the theaters. Yes, A Serbian Film is hands down the most shocking film of the century, and I doubt the director, Srđan Spasojević, will ever been known for any other film he might make. But there really is so much more than that. Now, remember way back in Taxidermia, I said that I didn't really understand other cultures in depth? Then I said that surrealism was universal? This time it's victimization. Miloš is not the monster of this movie. If you ever watch this movie, and you really shouldn't, but if you do, don't just watch what Miloš does. Watch for why he does it. Watch for how Vukmir and his nightmare camera crew convince him to do it. And always watch the women. You'll find a very sad surprise. God, this is just the tip of the iceberg too.

When you let the shock die down, you realize that
all you feel is compassion for this man.

     When I discussed the ending with my friends, none of them could quite get past the climax (an awful word to use when discussing a film of this nature). They were so numbed by that scene that they couldn't process the ending, telling me that it was just sad, and it was awful that that was the only outcome possible. Personally? I was happy. There are just times when certain actions are really ok. Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do. And that's why this is my all-time favourite movie. This isn't just an hour and fourty-three of pure filth. It's an hour and fourty-three of not being afraid to keep your eyes open to see the horrors of the world.
     And that's only just the plot. You know what else I love about this film? The cinematography. It goes a bit beyond the florescent-lit torture chamber to an eerily (yet seductively) lit abandoned orphanage. The way each character passes in and out of light is just pretty awesome. I wish I could find a great screen shot, but frankly? There aren't many pictures that are filled with gallons of blood and nudity (yes, gallons of nudity). Here's what I did find, though.
     Lastly: The soundtrack. I don't care how disturbing and upsetting this movie is, the music is amazing. I can't describe what the theme sounds like, because it's this...buzzing electronica, but it's downright sexy. It's hypnotizing and inducing. It makes you feel mechanical and programmed.
     I'll let you take a wild guess what your only function is.

Four of Ten: Oldboy

1. OCTOPUS EATING.
2. HALLWAY.
3. HAMMER VIOLENCE 
4. REVENGE
5. TWIST.

Shame on you if I have to go any farther than that.

:3

Eight of Ten: The Fantastic Planet

When I was a little girl, I used to disrupt ants by drawing circles around them with chalk. They would try to walk around the chalk, but because it was a circle it was never ending. It would take them a very long time to finally escape, and by then they either realized the chalk was harmless or they were so desperate to survive that they didn't have a single choice but to walk over it. I also once killed a bee with a cigarette, but that's a different story.

Yes, boys, her boobs are showing.

     La Planete Sauvage is a political tale of two sentient beings learning to coexist. The two beings are Draags, who are the massive blue humanoids who live on a strange planet (but not the Fantastic one), and Oms, as in hommes, French for "man". Oms are people. We are Oms. Oms fit into the palms of Draags, as seen in the poster to the left, and are treated as bugs that children bring home. In fact, that's exactly the life of our main human, Terr, as in terre, French for "earth." Terr will be our narrator throughout the film.
     The movie opens up with Tiva, a young Draag, who is outside playing with a female Om that she found on the ground. The Om is carrying her child. The Om is terrified, running for her life, and yet Tiva continues to push her fragile little body around, uncaring, or simply unknowing, that she is with child. Keep my story in mind, when you think about Tiva's actions. When the female Om dies, Tiva scoops up the baby and takes it home, naming him Terr. Her father tells her the same thing my mother said to me when I brought up animals: they belong outside, in the wild, but I guess we can take care of it. Like every animal I tried to save, it died over night (save for one cardinal that I raised until adulthood).
     Tiva is a lot better at caring for creatures than I was, and she raises Terr into his adult life. During this time, we learn that Oms are creatures that were found on some desolate planet that was in a pretty post-apocalyptic state, and now they are pests that must be routinely eliminated from the city borders. This is where the whole plot comes in. Terr earns his ranks amongst savage Oms, leaving Tiva behind, and the two races must learn to peacefully co-exist.

Is this how I look to wild animals?

     But where does the Fantastic Planet exist in all this? Watch to find out.
     It's very hard not to just post a bunch of pictures from this movie. I really like the animation style, for it is not bright and vibrant, but it is dull and at times, ugly. It's also a bit on the low-budget end (I mean, the movie came out in 1973) with the animation filled with seams and sharp cuts, but don't let that discourage you. On that note:

Grown-up stuff. Duh.

    I FORGOT TO MENTION SOMETHING: This movie is being remade next year. See it now, tell your friends the original was better. Your friends will think you're soooo cool.
        

Nine of Ten: Taxidermia

Real men ejaculate fire!

     Let me say this now. I know so very little about foreign cultures/politics/histories that that aspect of movies goes clean over my head (you'll understand more with my number one movie). This perplexing feature, born in Hungary, is quite a strange tale. Sure, I might have understood a bit more of it had I freshened up on Hungarian culture, but surrealism is universal.
      The story is quite simple to follow. While most sources will tell you that it is the story of three men, I would argue that it's the story of one man, Balatony Kálmán. To understand one man, you must know where he came from (his father), and where he is going (his son). 
     Told in three chapters, Taxidermia begins with Morosgoványi Vendel, a poor soldier condemned to living and serving with his lieutenant and said lieutenant's family at some Hungarian military outpost in the middle of nowhere.
     Vendel is a man of many sexual desires, stemming from his sexual frustration (if that is even near the correct word?!). He is surrounded by three women: his lieutenant's wife and innocent (pft, I guess) two daughters. I really don't want to give away how he lets some steam out to lower the pressure (save for fire shooting out of his junk, as seen in pictured poster). I will say that the best part of this entire chapter is the bathtub. Seriously, watch it and understand. The scene is brilliant.

This bathtub has lived a crazier life than I have.

He ends up impregnating..well, I'll let you figure it out, but he impregnates someone (or something) creating our main character, Balatony Kálmán. Begin chapter two.
     The peak of Balatony's life! He is a Hungarian speed-eating champion who falls in love with some fat chick, and they have fat sex, and it's just fat love. It's great! This chapter is very sweet and heartfelt. There isn't much to say other than there is a lot of vomit (Tosh.0 would have a blast with this movie) in this chapter. As someone who cracks up every time she vomits, I found this chapter hilarious, bright, and fun. It's sweet and romantic, which was a nice counter to the cold, dreary hell that is the first chapter.

Whatever, uh, floats your boat, right?

     The final chapter is Balatony as a father. This is the strangest chapter of the three, concluding this frightful yet delightful journey of this Balatony's life. Balatony is long past the speed-eating days (and his body really shows it) and lives with his son, Lajoska, a taxidermist. Why this character win's the title role is beyond me, but a lot of things in this movie are very far beyond my limits. Since this chapter is the most bizarre part of this film, I'm going to leave you to watch it.
     So, how about that review? That was a lot of plot, and not a lot of thought. Sorry about that. The reason why this movie made my top ten was because it is the one movie that I have watched and thought it was both bizarre and good. Nine out of ten times, a movie CANNOT be both. When it reaches the bizarre levels that Taxidermia has, I just hate it. Examples would be Jacques Tati's Playtime, and David Lynch's Eraserhead. I hate those movies. I actually hate those movies, and I want those hours back. Taxidermia, on the other hand, I have seen at least five times and still enjoy it. Even the last scene. Actually, especially the last scene. Lajoska has quite the set of balls.