Welcome to Terrorverse!

     I know I never write posts anymore, but the truth is is that I'm not really into watching movies until October rolls around and suddenly, everyone around me wants to watch horror movies. Thank Christ, because my house of twelve people all have been watching Snow White and the Huntsmen and have wondered why I won't join them. Anyway, to kick us off, I'm going to list my top ten horror flicks (you'd be surprised by what I haven't seen).
    10. Evil Dead 2: Come on, a classic! It's campy, it's supernatural, and duh chainsaw arm. Nothing else matters.
     9. Creepshow: I found this movie pretty tight, but my best friend's reaction is what makes this movie priceless. A movie containing mini-movies (with Steven King as an actor in one of them), she nearly barfed her brains out and screamed from the last one. I couldn't stop laughing, and for that, this movie holds a special place in my heart.

True story, my friend.

     8. Freaks: I didn't realize this was horror until recently. Packed with real, actual sideshow freaks, and filmed in the 1930s, audiences were flipped out across the nation (or where ever the movie played at the time). Even some of the "freaks" were appalled upon seeing this film. In short: it's a love story between a "freak" and an anatomically normal woman. She's in it for the money, he's in it for the love, and upon meeting her in-laws, so to speak, they welcome her with the most famous line of the movie. One of us, one of us, gooble gobble gooble gobble!  She uh, doesn't take it too well.
     7. Braindead: Not Dead Alive which is the American remake. Fact: Bloodiest movie of all time, and also pretty funny. I'm scared to give anything away, for this movie has a sex scene I never thought I'd see, a priest who really does kick ass for the Lord, and heaven all mighty the lawn mower. Side note: Back in high-school, the typical dinner-and-a-movie date between my highschool sweetheart and myself, this was a popular vote.

He should have just said yes.

     6. Pontypool: Also a book and a radio play, Pontypool is the smartest zombie movie I've seen. Sometimes too smart for me, but I take that as a challenge. Brilliant plot with, I'll admit, an "obtuse ending" as my friend put it.
     5. The Loved Ones: High school prom movie. With torture. Horrible, horrible torture. Try putting salt in a wound. Amplify times a trillion. The Loved Ones.
     4. Paranormal Activity. I am not kidding I ran into the kitchen (but you could still see the TV from my viewpoint) and started cussing up a storm because I was so scared at the end.
     3. Saw I and II. The rest suck, but holy sh-t the first two are amazing. The endings to them are awesome, and the brutality is through the roof. The needle pit, as shown, is the only time I almost threw up while watching a movie. I crave for that feeling again.

IS THERE ANYTHING MORE DISGUSTING?

     2. The Sixth Sense. Not only is this movie thrilling and beautiful to watch, but I have a strange story about when I saw it in theatres. My friend's dad took us to the movies. We saw The Sixth Sense, and it was scary, whatever. But, on our way home, he drove us into a forest, left the car for thirty or so minutes, and I can't remember what happened in the car, but I just remember all of a sudden riding home. What?

I was afraid to even look up a picture.

     1. The Ring: The one and only reason why this movie is number one is because I'm still afraid of it. I was scared when I was 12, and I'm 21 now. I haven't slept in a room with a TV for nine years now. I know for a fact that I have seen this movie at least fifteen times within the first year it came out, and I will never watch this movie again.

There you have it. Hopefully this month will be more productive.

One of Ten: A Serbian Film

This is the only movie that I
actually have the poster for.

When I was a teenager, I lent Chuck Palahniuk's Choke to my ten-years-older-than-me brother after I had finished reading it. He said, "I can't believe you read this." I think he was talking about how he was a little surprised that his dear little sister read a book about a sex-addict pretending to almost die all the time. Well, brother, um..don't freak out.
     I don't know what to tackle first: the plot, or the controversy. I guess I'll start with the controversy. A Serbian Film has been banned (either temporarily or permanently) from Spain, Norway, Australia, and Brazil. It received a limited and highly edited release in the United Kingdom and the United States, and you certainly will never be able to rent it from Netflix. It is a movie that a lot of viewers wish they had never seen, and few of them are willing to see it again after that. Common words to describe this film are "unwatchable", "disgusting", "dirty", "wrong", and the like. One reviewer also put it well: "You don't want to see A Serbian Film. You only think you do." So, what's got everyone's panties in a knot?
     A Serbian Film is a horrific and tragic and in my eyes the most misunderstood tale of a man who just wanted to save his family. Miloš is a retired porn star who has left his adulterous life behind to care for his beautiful wife and son, but at this point, they are facing poverty. One day, Miloš receives an offer to be in an "art film" directed by a man named Vukmir, an independent director with a clean background (so says Miloš's cop-brother). Vukmir promises Miloš he will never have to worry about money ever again, and while Miloš is hesitant, he accepts the role. Of course, after consulting his wife. There's a great line, when Vukmir and Miloš first shake hands, and Vukmir says, "your hand is special, for it has jerked a special cock." Come on, that's funny.
     When Miloš inquires what the nature of the film is and what will be asked of him, the director keeps quiet. He tells Miloš that he is the star, and his only job in this film is to, well, fuck. After all, Miloš is known for his ability to hold an erection as long as the camera is on him.Vukmir wants Miloš to look as natural as possible, so he can't spoil any surprises.

I don't know what's more twisted: finding out your dad was
a porn star, or finding out your dad directed A Serbian Film.

     I'm going to put this really bluntly, but I will not go into details. Rape, murder, pedophilia, necrophilia, and one more that I won't give away. All of these scenes are intensely graphic, and heart-wrenchingly brutal. In fact, it's no surprise that they are the only things that audiences can take out of the theaters. Yes, A Serbian Film is hands down the most shocking film of the century, and I doubt the director, Srđan Spasojević, will ever been known for any other film he might make. But there really is so much more than that. Now, remember way back in Taxidermia, I said that I didn't really understand other cultures in depth? Then I said that surrealism was universal? This time it's victimization. Miloš is not the monster of this movie. If you ever watch this movie, and you really shouldn't, but if you do, don't just watch what Miloš does. Watch for why he does it. Watch for how Vukmir and his nightmare camera crew convince him to do it. And always watch the women. You'll find a very sad surprise. God, this is just the tip of the iceberg too.

When you let the shock die down, you realize that
all you feel is compassion for this man.

     When I discussed the ending with my friends, none of them could quite get past the climax (an awful word to use when discussing a film of this nature). They were so numbed by that scene that they couldn't process the ending, telling me that it was just sad, and it was awful that that was the only outcome possible. Personally? I was happy. There are just times when certain actions are really ok. Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do. And that's why this is my all-time favourite movie. This isn't just an hour and fourty-three of pure filth. It's an hour and fourty-three of not being afraid to keep your eyes open to see the horrors of the world.
     And that's only just the plot. You know what else I love about this film? The cinematography. It goes a bit beyond the florescent-lit torture chamber to an eerily (yet seductively) lit abandoned orphanage. The way each character passes in and out of light is just pretty awesome. I wish I could find a great screen shot, but frankly? There aren't many pictures that are filled with gallons of blood and nudity (yes, gallons of nudity). Here's what I did find, though.
     Lastly: The soundtrack. I don't care how disturbing and upsetting this movie is, the music is amazing. I can't describe what the theme sounds like, because it's this...buzzing electronica, but it's downright sexy. It's hypnotizing and inducing. It makes you feel mechanical and programmed.
     I'll let you take a wild guess what your only function is.

Two of Ten: Primer

So, now onto one of the most complicated and intelligent movies I think I just might ever see. I saw this movie a few years ago with a group of friends. These kids are smart. Real smart. Engineers, physics majors, programmers, etc. In fact, every time I hang out with them, I always ask them to explain to me about something heavily mathematical. One day, I asked them all about time travel. After us just sort of talking about how cool it would be (the very basics of time travel are simple enough that there was no lesson to be taught), someone piped up.
     "Have you ever seen Primer?"
     Primer. Shane Carruth's 2004 masterpiece (and debut, yikes!). The plot? Two three-dollar-tie wearing dudes accidentally build a time machine in their garage. With time travel comes lots of possibilities (and time lines).
     My friends told me that no one could understand this movie. Now, whenever I hear about a cinematic challenge, I am more than happy to step up to the plate (you will certainly believe me when you read my Number One). So, cocking my head left and right, I announced that I was the smartest girl in the universe, and that no movie was too complicated for this brain. If you've seen the movie, you should find the humor in this. If you haven't seen the movie, know that I was as wrong as I have ever been in my life.   

Oh, you think you know. You think you know.

     My brother recently reviewed Primer, and it made me want to rewatch it. The second time around was a lot easier than the first time, but still made me punch myself in the skull to ease the pain. So I made it a resolution. I was going to understand the plot of Primer all the way through. There would never be a scene in which I didn't know exactly what timeline each character came from. That resolution? Well...
Two more viewings, ten pages of notes, about thirty index cards, and not a lot of sleep. The movie, clocking in at an hour and fifteen minutes, took me two and a half hours to watch the third time.
     But I get it. It's actually really easy to follow once you put the work into it.

You think there are blow-up mattresses in there?

     Why this movie made the top three: Primer is a movie you have to work for if you want to get it. And I mean, get it. Automatically, that makes every viewing of the movie more and more exciting. It's the gift that keeps on giving. Like, I actually feel rewarded when I watch it now.

Three of Ten: Airplane!

Be prepared. The top three movies on my list are just about as far apart as three points can possibly be. The bronze medal goes to...

Airplane! How do you even begin to talk about a movie of this magnitude? Well, you kind of don't. No words can compare with the amazing dialogue that floods this movie. In fact, maybe my memory doesn't serve me well (it probably doesn't), but I don't really even remember scenes without dialogue. 
     The plot is simple. A war veteran gets onto an airplane, and there are a bunch of hilarious characters on the plane as well. The flight is going well until everybody gets food poisoning (airplane food is always really weird), including the captain. NO ONE is capable of flying the airplane other than the war veteran who sweats so much he looks like he is melting. Oh, and his co-pilot? Inflatable.

If anything happens to your captain, you
better hope these guys are around.

Here's the situation. I was blazed out of my brains. I searched the internet for quite some time to put that as subtly as I possibly could, but there's no way around it. I was thoroughly baked at 451 degrees (I guess?) and just needed to watch a movie. Usually I watch Star Trek, but this time I wanted a movie, and I never watch movies in uh, this condition. So, already, I'm watching a movie under unusual circumstances, but the weirder part? I almost never laughed throughout the entire movie. Sure, I chuckled here and there, but I really only laughed at Otto the Co-Pilot. I certainly acknowledged when a joke was made, but they were so in sync with my brain that I just didn't laugh. I didn't feel the need to. In my situation, this movie was not the absurdist riot it is advertised as. It just made perfect sense.

Most impressive dialogue happens in this scene

Like Merlin watching Memento, you know?

(But seriously, this movie is fucking hilarious)

Four of Ten: Oldboy

1. OCTOPUS EATING.
2. HALLWAY.
3. HAMMER VIOLENCE 
4. REVENGE
5. TWIST.

Shame on you if I have to go any farther than that.

:3

Five of Ten: Drive

From the moment I heard the title of this movie, I didn't want to see it. Then I saw the cover when my brother left it for me to watch while he was at work and I really didn't want to see it. I figured it would be a movie about some dude in a stupid leather jacket wearing stupid shades doing stupid stunts in his stupid car, the camera taking an occasional break to show a sweet set of plastic titties. Oh my god, I was so, so wrong. Let's begin the TOP 5.

     Drive is an exceptional movie. I held my breath during the first scene. I held my breath during a lot of scenes. I was, and I didn't want to admit it to myself, but I was excited. Ryan Gosling, who I actually am not attracted to outside of this movie, plays quite the "mutha fuckin' fine ass pussy-mobile, mutha fucka!" (That line was applied to a car in the movie, but whatever) as the nameless driver. We'll call him The Driver, with a capital D.
     The Driver is a stunt-driver, mechanic, and most importantly a getaway driver. As a criminal, he never works with the same person twice. He allows his clients five minutes to get their job done, and what happens outside of his car just isn't his problem. And he's violent. Oh, he's violent. I can't explain it, but there's something about watching someone beating the shit out of a person with a hammer that just downright tickles me.
     I really don't know how to talk about this movie, or really want to talk about it for that matter. Readers, you just have to see it. I just don't want to spoil anything. The shots, the sunshine, and the scorpion. 

I will never know what love is because I am not her right now.

     Don't watch the trailer if you haven't seen it! It gives away too much of the scene as shown. This scene, which takes place in an elevator, is so, so very beautiful. Thinking about it now makes me upset. It was at this moment that I really fell in love with The Driver. He is such a beautiful character with the biggest heart. And don't you dare let him catch you saying otherwise. 
     Please, please see this movie. And when you do, watch his gloves. It might change the ending for you.

Six of Ten: Inception

And God disguised his angels as a couple of sexy dudes.

• Cast.
• Soundtrack.
• Plot.
• Hallway.
• Ending.

Wouldn't it be hilarious if I was talking about Irreversible? 
     Inception is an all around perfect movie. I saw it four times in theatres, and I cried every time I saw it. As soon as the last note is hit, the tears started to roll. Inception is complex and really pulls you in pretty deep. I always felt that the final scene was my kick. I had to wake up.

Did you know that totems work in real life? What's yours?

     If you haven't read about the magic of the soundtrack, I'll do my best to sum it up here. The soundtrack is composed entirely from Edith Piaf's "Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien" (French, "No, I have no regrets"). By taking certain parts of the song, and simply speeding them up or slowing them down, and then cleaning that portion up, you get the entire soundtrack. That's it. One song, an entire score. And, of course, this is precisely what the dream world is about. Time flows so differently, and what feels like hours is simply a minute or two.

Getting around San Fran is a bitch.

    Another thing? I went into this movie expecting to hate it. My exboyfriend was the one who recommended it to me, and he is without a doubt one of the worst people at explaining movies. So, going into a movie, expecting it to be three hours of being bored to tears, and then watching Inception? Oh. Oh my.
     

Seven of Ten: First Blood

I accidentally enrolled in the Cop Academy twice, and now I'mTWO COPS. I mean, here's the next movie.

There is one topic, and one topic alone, that turns this lady Jekyll into a blood-thirsty, kill-all Super-Hitler. I get more angry talking about this, just THINKING about this, than I do talking to pro-life Evangelicals. The topic? Police corruption and brutality. 
    I only saw Rambo maybe a month ago, but this movie, needless to say, really hit it home for me. I'm really trying hard not to type up a far-too long rant about how I believe that some of the worst organized crime in all of America are our gun wielding pigs in blue. Seriously, I have spent hours on this review, deleting paragraph after paragraph because I get a..bit worked up.

Now, taking these types of people and sicking them on a war Vet? But not just any war vet, but a scared, tortured, killing machine? Certainly pleased me tenfold.
     Aside the plot, what makes Rambo so friggen cool? Lots of action, and not a lot of explosions for one. I don't exactly care for watching things blow up, and I certainly think that guns should only be used against zombies. Well, not just zombies, but if you're going to shoot someone, blow their entire head off, will you? Bulletholes are for pussies. So, when those uniformed twats are blundering through the forest, pretty much begging for someone to stab them and break their legs, Rambo creeps like shadow and sets traps everywhere? Hell to the YES my friend. They deserved it. 
      The entire movie leads up to pretty much Rambo's only lines. At the end, with Rambo surrounded and no hope of getting out alive, he breaks down and cries in front of Colonel Trautman and gives a very sad, and much needed speech about the horrors of the war. You don't have to hear the guns or see the death, you just to see this one man completely stripped of his humanity.

Eight of Ten: The Fantastic Planet

When I was a little girl, I used to disrupt ants by drawing circles around them with chalk. They would try to walk around the chalk, but because it was a circle it was never ending. It would take them a very long time to finally escape, and by then they either realized the chalk was harmless or they were so desperate to survive that they didn't have a single choice but to walk over it. I also once killed a bee with a cigarette, but that's a different story.

Yes, boys, her boobs are showing.

     La Planete Sauvage is a political tale of two sentient beings learning to coexist. The two beings are Draags, who are the massive blue humanoids who live on a strange planet (but not the Fantastic one), and Oms, as in hommes, French for "man". Oms are people. We are Oms. Oms fit into the palms of Draags, as seen in the poster to the left, and are treated as bugs that children bring home. In fact, that's exactly the life of our main human, Terr, as in terre, French for "earth." Terr will be our narrator throughout the film.
     The movie opens up with Tiva, a young Draag, who is outside playing with a female Om that she found on the ground. The Om is carrying her child. The Om is terrified, running for her life, and yet Tiva continues to push her fragile little body around, uncaring, or simply unknowing, that she is with child. Keep my story in mind, when you think about Tiva's actions. When the female Om dies, Tiva scoops up the baby and takes it home, naming him Terr. Her father tells her the same thing my mother said to me when I brought up animals: they belong outside, in the wild, but I guess we can take care of it. Like every animal I tried to save, it died over night (save for one cardinal that I raised until adulthood).
     Tiva is a lot better at caring for creatures than I was, and she raises Terr into his adult life. During this time, we learn that Oms are creatures that were found on some desolate planet that was in a pretty post-apocalyptic state, and now they are pests that must be routinely eliminated from the city borders. This is where the whole plot comes in. Terr earns his ranks amongst savage Oms, leaving Tiva behind, and the two races must learn to peacefully co-exist.

Is this how I look to wild animals?

     But where does the Fantastic Planet exist in all this? Watch to find out.
     It's very hard not to just post a bunch of pictures from this movie. I really like the animation style, for it is not bright and vibrant, but it is dull and at times, ugly. It's also a bit on the low-budget end (I mean, the movie came out in 1973) with the animation filled with seams and sharp cuts, but don't let that discourage you. On that note:

Grown-up stuff. Duh.

    I FORGOT TO MENTION SOMETHING: This movie is being remade next year. See it now, tell your friends the original was better. Your friends will think you're soooo cool.
        

Nine of Ten: Taxidermia

Real men ejaculate fire!

     Let me say this now. I know so very little about foreign cultures/politics/histories that that aspect of movies goes clean over my head (you'll understand more with my number one movie). This perplexing feature, born in Hungary, is quite a strange tale. Sure, I might have understood a bit more of it had I freshened up on Hungarian culture, but surrealism is universal.
      The story is quite simple to follow. While most sources will tell you that it is the story of three men, I would argue that it's the story of one man, Balatony Kálmán. To understand one man, you must know where he came from (his father), and where he is going (his son). 
     Told in three chapters, Taxidermia begins with Morosgoványi Vendel, a poor soldier condemned to living and serving with his lieutenant and said lieutenant's family at some Hungarian military outpost in the middle of nowhere.
     Vendel is a man of many sexual desires, stemming from his sexual frustration (if that is even near the correct word?!). He is surrounded by three women: his lieutenant's wife and innocent (pft, I guess) two daughters. I really don't want to give away how he lets some steam out to lower the pressure (save for fire shooting out of his junk, as seen in pictured poster). I will say that the best part of this entire chapter is the bathtub. Seriously, watch it and understand. The scene is brilliant.

This bathtub has lived a crazier life than I have.

He ends up impregnating..well, I'll let you figure it out, but he impregnates someone (or something) creating our main character, Balatony Kálmán. Begin chapter two.
     The peak of Balatony's life! He is a Hungarian speed-eating champion who falls in love with some fat chick, and they have fat sex, and it's just fat love. It's great! This chapter is very sweet and heartfelt. There isn't much to say other than there is a lot of vomit (Tosh.0 would have a blast with this movie) in this chapter. As someone who cracks up every time she vomits, I found this chapter hilarious, bright, and fun. It's sweet and romantic, which was a nice counter to the cold, dreary hell that is the first chapter.

Whatever, uh, floats your boat, right?

     The final chapter is Balatony as a father. This is the strangest chapter of the three, concluding this frightful yet delightful journey of this Balatony's life. Balatony is long past the speed-eating days (and his body really shows it) and lives with his son, Lajoska, a taxidermist. Why this character win's the title role is beyond me, but a lot of things in this movie are very far beyond my limits. Since this chapter is the most bizarre part of this film, I'm going to leave you to watch it.
     So, how about that review? That was a lot of plot, and not a lot of thought. Sorry about that. The reason why this movie made my top ten was because it is the one movie that I have watched and thought it was both bizarre and good. Nine out of ten times, a movie CANNOT be both. When it reaches the bizarre levels that Taxidermia has, I just hate it. Examples would be Jacques Tati's Playtime, and David Lynch's Eraserhead. I hate those movies. I actually hate those movies, and I want those hours back. Taxidermia, on the other hand, I have seen at least five times and still enjoy it. Even the last scene. Actually, especially the last scene. Lajoska has quite the set of balls.

Ten of Ten: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

How can anyone not like this movie?

When I was 15, I actually had a very very personal experience with a French film that made me hate all French art, and I was determined to make this hatred burn forever. While I won't say what the experience was, or what the movie was for that matter, I will say that Michel Gondry's "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" cured me of these evil thoughts for good.

Hopefully, we all know the plot. It's the story of Joel and Clementine, two relatively ordinary people who fall in love, but their relationship just doesn't work out the way they had wanted it to. Joel, played fantastically by Jim Carrey (without a doubt his best role ever), seeks the aid of Lacuna, Inc., a company whose only service is to erase memories of loved ones. During the procedure, Joel begins to regret the decision, and attempts to give the technicians (who carry out their task in Joel's apartment while he sleeps) an off-the-map middle finger in order to save his memories (and his love) of Clementine.

Yes, the movie has a happy ending, but I feel that the ending isn't where the story ends. I assume Joel and Clementine are always going to be eternally falling in and out of love. I think the most important part of the movie, and certainly the most important part of a relationship, is the act of forgiveness.