The child is dead.

What a classy devil!

The other day, my friend asked me what my favourite type of horror movie was. I told him that ghosts scare me the most, zombies satisfy my gore-tooth, but I also really like movies about Satan. The only problem is is that I haven't really seen any...good movies about Satan.
     The Omen (1976) is one of the few that is good, if not great. While it did not contain a virgin girl breaking her own bones so that she may tie herself in knots (a huge plus in any Satanic verse), Damien, our reincarnate of Satan, is an evil, evil child. He was a more subtle Satan, I would say, since his parents didn't immediately jump to the conclusion of having an exorcism performed. Instead, he frightened and agitated animals, made people commit suicide, and attempted (and follow through) with murdering his own family members. Friggen rad, if you ask me. Harvey Stephens performance was incredible for a young boy. With virtually no lines, his main acting was with facial expressions and body language. Oh, and screaming. It's a great way to not have to go to church.
     The zoo scene was the scariest for me. Scaring off the giraffes is one thing, but having your car attacked by a pack of angry baboons? I can't think of any other animal so vile as a monkey. I can't stand them as creatures. Of course they are evil. They are disgusting creatures. I hated that whole scene. Case closed.

Look at those cheeeeks! He's just too cute!

     Has anyone seen The Swimmer? I know, I know, easily the worst representation of Hell the world has ever seen. But to anyone who has seen it, is the last scene, when he finds that house (with the weakest gate in the world in front of it) overgrown with vines, and a storm is crashing through...is that a direct reference to The Omen, or did something come before that? The two scenes are practically identical, save for the strange impaling of a priest. Speaking of deaths, the last character who dies has a surprisingly gruesome death. I didn't know the seventies had such horrors. 
     Here's to my sweet Satan.

Ok baby, let's see those boobies.

I have this book, it's called How to Survive a Horror Movie, by Seth Grahame-Smith. It's hilarious, insightful, and helpful in the months of July and October. If you haven't read it, check it out this Halloween season. It's short, sweet, and very much to the point. It covers just about every type of horror movie, but what about when the movie itself is just about every type of horror? Maybe I'm just blowing this out of proportion, but this movie is well designed. The more you know about the genre, the better this movie must be. I'm probably at a 102, possibly a 201 level of horror, and I still enjoyed this movie so much. Ladies and Gentlemen (all thirty billion of you), I give you The Cabin in the Woods.

These guys...

     The plot is simple. Five kids go to a, well, a cabin in the woods which is rigged with all sorts of traps. The traps are set by this company of some sort (that has competition all around the world), who watch them like spies. They've got switches and levers and all sorts of buttons to alter the cabin, summon monsters, and put drugs into the air they breath. They even hired a creepy old man to reside in a closed-down gas station, warning them not to go to that cabin ("I have the Harbinger on Line 2!"). In essence, they are the directors of the "movie". But what of the cast?
     Dana: The Virgin. We don't see her tits.
     Jules: The Slutty Bimbo Blonde. We see her tits. She gets killed.
     Curt: The Jock. Jules's boyfriend. He also sees Jules's tits. He gets killed. Here's why you know straight away, as taken from How to Survive a Horror Movie: Curt says, directly, "we can cover more ground if we split up". Horror Movie says "you forgot to add 'with blood' between 'ground" and "if'".
     Marty: The Stoner. Now, what's with this guy? He's clearly just a live-action Shaggy, minus a great dane. He smokes weed all day (erryday), with cheesy lines about conspiracy, being too high, and "I'm going to go read a book with pictures." I understand making the Stoner a dumb character (and thereby subtly telling audiences that smoking pot is bad), but dude, smoking pot saves his life. His bong is..well, pretty amazing. I can't find a picture of it online that doesn't totally spoil it, so check check it. Also, he is the first character I have seen in YEARS (aside in lower-budget films) who actually exhales smoke on screen.
     Holden: I don't know, some sociology major who makes out with Dana. I think he's supposed to be the hot-nerd or something.

I laughed pretty hard.

     A typical Slasher group, but the ones with the knives are the least of their worries. The company running the show has a collection of every type of ghoul on the market, including what appears to be a guy who tried to make out with a Robo-Geisha. It makes for quite a long-lasting climax.
     Remember when I said that this company has competition? They're competing with Japan, go figure, and the Japanese have a "ghost" haunting a classroom with a scary Asian ghost (the most horrific type of ghost!). "How hard is it to kill a group of nine year olds?" In the end, though (minor spoiler), they girls dance in a circle, sing some happy song, and the ghost turns into a frog. Where the f-ck were these girls when I was having nightmares?
    
     One last thing: I loved who survives in the end.

One of Ten: A Serbian Film

This is the only movie that I
actually have the poster for.

When I was a teenager, I lent Chuck Palahniuk's Choke to my ten-years-older-than-me brother after I had finished reading it. He said, "I can't believe you read this." I think he was talking about how he was a little surprised that his dear little sister read a book about a sex-addict pretending to almost die all the time. Well, brother, um..don't freak out.
     I don't know what to tackle first: the plot, or the controversy. I guess I'll start with the controversy. A Serbian Film has been banned (either temporarily or permanently) from Spain, Norway, Australia, and Brazil. It received a limited and highly edited release in the United Kingdom and the United States, and you certainly will never be able to rent it from Netflix. It is a movie that a lot of viewers wish they had never seen, and few of them are willing to see it again after that. Common words to describe this film are "unwatchable", "disgusting", "dirty", "wrong", and the like. One reviewer also put it well: "You don't want to see A Serbian Film. You only think you do." So, what's got everyone's panties in a knot?
     A Serbian Film is a horrific and tragic and in my eyes the most misunderstood tale of a man who just wanted to save his family. Miloš is a retired porn star who has left his adulterous life behind to care for his beautiful wife and son, but at this point, they are facing poverty. One day, Miloš receives an offer to be in an "art film" directed by a man named Vukmir, an independent director with a clean background (so says Miloš's cop-brother). Vukmir promises Miloš he will never have to worry about money ever again, and while Miloš is hesitant, he accepts the role. Of course, after consulting his wife. There's a great line, when Vukmir and Miloš first shake hands, and Vukmir says, "your hand is special, for it has jerked a special cock." Come on, that's funny.
     When Miloš inquires what the nature of the film is and what will be asked of him, the director keeps quiet. He tells Miloš that he is the star, and his only job in this film is to, well, fuck. After all, Miloš is known for his ability to hold an erection as long as the camera is on him.Vukmir wants Miloš to look as natural as possible, so he can't spoil any surprises.

I don't know what's more twisted: finding out your dad was
a porn star, or finding out your dad directed A Serbian Film.

     I'm going to put this really bluntly, but I will not go into details. Rape, murder, pedophilia, necrophilia, and one more that I won't give away. All of these scenes are intensely graphic, and heart-wrenchingly brutal. In fact, it's no surprise that they are the only things that audiences can take out of the theaters. Yes, A Serbian Film is hands down the most shocking film of the century, and I doubt the director, Srđan Spasojević, will ever been known for any other film he might make. But there really is so much more than that. Now, remember way back in Taxidermia, I said that I didn't really understand other cultures in depth? Then I said that surrealism was universal? This time it's victimization. Miloš is not the monster of this movie. If you ever watch this movie, and you really shouldn't, but if you do, don't just watch what Miloš does. Watch for why he does it. Watch for how Vukmir and his nightmare camera crew convince him to do it. And always watch the women. You'll find a very sad surprise. God, this is just the tip of the iceberg too.

When you let the shock die down, you realize that
all you feel is compassion for this man.

     When I discussed the ending with my friends, none of them could quite get past the climax (an awful word to use when discussing a film of this nature). They were so numbed by that scene that they couldn't process the ending, telling me that it was just sad, and it was awful that that was the only outcome possible. Personally? I was happy. There are just times when certain actions are really ok. Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do. And that's why this is my all-time favourite movie. This isn't just an hour and fourty-three of pure filth. It's an hour and fourty-three of not being afraid to keep your eyes open to see the horrors of the world.
     And that's only just the plot. You know what else I love about this film? The cinematography. It goes a bit beyond the florescent-lit torture chamber to an eerily (yet seductively) lit abandoned orphanage. The way each character passes in and out of light is just pretty awesome. I wish I could find a great screen shot, but frankly? There aren't many pictures that are filled with gallons of blood and nudity (yes, gallons of nudity). Here's what I did find, though.
     Lastly: The soundtrack. I don't care how disturbing and upsetting this movie is, the music is amazing. I can't describe what the theme sounds like, because it's this...buzzing electronica, but it's downright sexy. It's hypnotizing and inducing. It makes you feel mechanical and programmed.
     I'll let you take a wild guess what your only function is.