You're going to eat lightning and crap thunder.

Rocky is one of those movies that I've seen parodied in every other movie, hell, even The Powerpuff Girls, but never saw the source. I mean, when I put the blu-ray in, I left the room to get a cup of coffee. Then I heard the theme, and I just started singing the tune. And I thought, holy crap I am so psychic that I already know the theme to this movie oh my god I'm so amazing. Then I realized that Rocky is just one of those movies. 
Don't know the plot? Shame on you. A poor South Paw isn't the stallion he used to be. "I got heart, but I ain't got no locker," laments Rocky Balboa. This is your typical rags to riches film, of a nobody who is really only famous in his poor community, rising to the top of the world. 

It took me forever to find a picture, and I don't
know why I could only find one from Africa,
but they did put this face on a stamp!

You know, that cliche stuff. I really liked Rocky though. I think I just like movies about fighters. About men who only use the strength their mothers gave to them to fight. I mean, you know what I think of fighters? Classic, Hollywood fighters anyway? I think they are horses with the body of a man and the heart of a child. In the end, he only cares about love (for his pets and I guess his girlfriend too).
     I feel a lot better having seen this movie. If Sylvester Stallone's face didn't totally remind me of my creepy uncle's face when he's drunk, I would love him. Uh, Stallone that is.

You get me drunk, I'll do anything.

Meh.

I don't even want to write this review. This is still part of the catch-up reviews that I'm writing, and this review is supposed to be about last year's Fright Night. This just isn't exactly fair. Here's why:
I hate vampires.
I hate vampires.
I hate vampires.
I don't really exactly like Colin Farrel either.
HUZZAH!

• "What are you working on?" "...Porn." "Good. I thought it was something creepy."
• Exploding strippers.
• Watching Colin Farrel('s character) die. Multiple times.

UGGGHHH!

• Vincent Price + Chris Angel = Peter Vincent? Worst character ever.
• Everyone reacts to things (things being exploding houses, dirt bikes being thrown through the back window of a vehicle, and death) the same way I react to finding out broccoli is back in season. "Oh my god, broccoli! I haven't had this in months!" And then I just get granola because I'm kind of a hippie. I was pretty tempted to put this under the HUZZAHs.
• St. Michael's stake was a little...cheap?

I'm too high for this s**t.

Guys, I'm trying to eat as many tortilla chips as I can before my sister-in-law comes home. Why? Because one time, I went to go see Peter Jackson's King Kong with two of my brothers, and one of them ordered a large popcorn and he apparently made a silent vow to eat all the popcorn before the King hit the screen. Isn't it hilarious that King Kong didn't appear until like, half way through the movie? It probably took him fifteen minutes to down the whole thing. Anyway, these two stories are actually unrelated, and what's more unrelated?

You can watch this movie, or
just play FIFA.

      Attack the Block. During (and this is according to Wikipedia) Bonfire Night, which is a celebration of all things that explode which in Great Britain is the fifth of November (I'm looking at you, brother. Watching V for Vendetta does teach you everything you need to know about British culture. Suck on that, loser!), some punk kids try to jump some lady, but oh no, in the midst of all the fireworks an alien comes crashing down landing facefirst (not really) into a car. Moses, our leader (don't be fooled), upon inspection and minor purloining (let that be your word of the day), gets attacked by the alien, so he seeks out an ego-filled revenge, hunting the little bastard down, and killing it. Then, and I do this with every animal I kill, he parades around with the corpse (I learned just now that a carcass is a dead animal, but the third definition adds: what's left of an animal after the butcher has removed the inedible parts. Huh.) like the champion that he is, and then..

"No one is ever going to call you Mayhem if you keep
acting like a pussy."

     ...brings it to his drug dealers flat? Who cares. Ok, you know how hornets and yellow-jackets release an alarm pheromone that tells his friends I'm dead come kill the shit out of who did this to me? Same thing. So, this sets up the rest of the movie, of this gang using all the street-smart they've got to protect themselves. I wish they had focused more on the action, because what action they did show was so great. I mean, just downright awesome. But, they didn't. The action was brief, and instead, there was a lot of dialogue that I'm embarrassed to say, but I really appreciated when my brother clicked on the subtitles. I mean, street-slang is one thing, but British street-slang? I..I don't even know. I could have watched the movie on mute and probably would have understood more of the dialogue.

Not a blue light in sight.

     Ok, but what about those aliens? They were awesome. They were these pitch black gorilla creatures with bright blue glowing teeth. They're pretty baller, I will admit.
     But I didn't like this movie. I mean, I liked it. I had a pretty ok time. I just had really high expectations for a movie this good, and they weren't met. The cast was well designed, but poorly played. Too much dialogue, not enough action, and a really stupid ending. What's that? I shouldn't judge a movie on realism because the plot has to do with aliens? No. Eff that. Just because aliens are invading doesn't mean that gas and fire interact differently.
     Lastly, I think that everyone in the world needs to learn that you should never sell a movie by sticking the words Shaun of the Dead on it. It will only lead to heartbreak (the last time I fell for this trick was Dead and Breakfast. Oh god. Never again.).

You want something hot and black inside of you?

This ship could kill every Enterprise,
every Star Destroyer, every everything.
Ever.

Event Horizon is a great example of how much better movies are when you don't know what they are about. Of course I had heard of the movie from just about everyone who is at least a day older than me, but I actually hadn't seen it until last month when I was visiting my brother for the first week of February. He's a huge believer in hard copies of movies, so there's a massive library of blu-rays that cover the walls of the guest bedroom. He always leaves his recommendations right by the tv in the mornings, and Event Horizon is one he's been leaving there for a while now. For some reason, it's really hard to get me to watch sci-fi movies, which is weird because I fucking love science-fiction. Anyway, long story short: I finally saw Event Horizon.
     You'll notice that sometimes I speak heavily about a movie's plot, and sometimes I don't. When I don't talk about the plot, it's because either a) I assume the readers know the plot, b)I don't want to spoil the plot, or c) if you don't know the plot I will honestly think less of you (because people think less of me all the time. It's only fair) So, here's a movie that I will honestly judge you if you haven't seen it, and secretly envy you because you get to see it for the first time.
     There's a line in the movie that best sums up my feelings for this movie: "Where have you been my whole life?" Event Horizon is scary. It's twisted. You know what? It's genius.
     WHO LIKES CINEMATOGRAPHY? I love cinematography! This movie is filled with really awesome, artistic shots thanks to the aid of a really sweet set. The thing about spaceship sets is that it's always a series of small rooms, with the occasional outside shot. Maybe it's because I'm a girl and have no sense of how large or small anything is, but I can never grasp just how large these ships really are. Event Horizon is the first time I've seen a ship that was so large on the inside, I was feeling a little agoraphobic. Weird, since this movie takes place lightyears away from civilization and the only thing surrounding them is pitch black, dead silent, infinite space. 

Lots of far-away shots make you feel so small in the depths of space.

I remember once in elementary school, we had an astronaut come to our class and tell us all about the wonders of outerspace. He told us about zero-gravity and how he got to pretend to be Superman, and about how hard it was to sleep because his pillow would float away, and then he talked to us..he talked to us about how there's no pressure in space. He showed us, using one of those squeezable clown things..you know, the little clown that when you squeeze its eyes bulge out of its head? The knowledge of the fact that I will explode in space has scared me for well over a decade now. On that note? Baby Bear's scene was really bad for me. Like, sometimes I hear him scream when I try to sleep bad.
     (Oh, another thing? You'll find that I rarely talk about soundtracks in movies because I usually just never remember them. I'm really not good at remembering sound at all. So, good. That's out of the way.)
     Irrelevant, but: have you ever read House of Leaves? Yeah. This is the cinematic equivalent.

Good show!

So there you have it. Aunty's Top Ten movies. 


My next task is to review all the movies I've seen this year. There really aren't many (I can think of twelve off the top of my head. It's been a slow year), so it shouldn't take me too long to catch up. After that, I get to watch movies again!
Right. Off we go.

One of Ten: A Serbian Film

This is the only movie that I
actually have the poster for.

When I was a teenager, I lent Chuck Palahniuk's Choke to my ten-years-older-than-me brother after I had finished reading it. He said, "I can't believe you read this." I think he was talking about how he was a little surprised that his dear little sister read a book about a sex-addict pretending to almost die all the time. Well, brother, um..don't freak out.
     I don't know what to tackle first: the plot, or the controversy. I guess I'll start with the controversy. A Serbian Film has been banned (either temporarily or permanently) from Spain, Norway, Australia, and Brazil. It received a limited and highly edited release in the United Kingdom and the United States, and you certainly will never be able to rent it from Netflix. It is a movie that a lot of viewers wish they had never seen, and few of them are willing to see it again after that. Common words to describe this film are "unwatchable", "disgusting", "dirty", "wrong", and the like. One reviewer also put it well: "You don't want to see A Serbian Film. You only think you do." So, what's got everyone's panties in a knot?
     A Serbian Film is a horrific and tragic and in my eyes the most misunderstood tale of a man who just wanted to save his family. Miloš is a retired porn star who has left his adulterous life behind to care for his beautiful wife and son, but at this point, they are facing poverty. One day, Miloš receives an offer to be in an "art film" directed by a man named Vukmir, an independent director with a clean background (so says Miloš's cop-brother). Vukmir promises Miloš he will never have to worry about money ever again, and while Miloš is hesitant, he accepts the role. Of course, after consulting his wife. There's a great line, when Vukmir and Miloš first shake hands, and Vukmir says, "your hand is special, for it has jerked a special cock." Come on, that's funny.
     When Miloš inquires what the nature of the film is and what will be asked of him, the director keeps quiet. He tells Miloš that he is the star, and his only job in this film is to, well, fuck. After all, Miloš is known for his ability to hold an erection as long as the camera is on him.Vukmir wants Miloš to look as natural as possible, so he can't spoil any surprises.

I don't know what's more twisted: finding out your dad was
a porn star, or finding out your dad directed A Serbian Film.

     I'm going to put this really bluntly, but I will not go into details. Rape, murder, pedophilia, necrophilia, and one more that I won't give away. All of these scenes are intensely graphic, and heart-wrenchingly brutal. In fact, it's no surprise that they are the only things that audiences can take out of the theaters. Yes, A Serbian Film is hands down the most shocking film of the century, and I doubt the director, Srđan Spasojević, will ever been known for any other film he might make. But there really is so much more than that. Now, remember way back in Taxidermia, I said that I didn't really understand other cultures in depth? Then I said that surrealism was universal? This time it's victimization. Miloš is not the monster of this movie. If you ever watch this movie, and you really shouldn't, but if you do, don't just watch what Miloš does. Watch for why he does it. Watch for how Vukmir and his nightmare camera crew convince him to do it. And always watch the women. You'll find a very sad surprise. God, this is just the tip of the iceberg too.

When you let the shock die down, you realize that
all you feel is compassion for this man.

     When I discussed the ending with my friends, none of them could quite get past the climax (an awful word to use when discussing a film of this nature). They were so numbed by that scene that they couldn't process the ending, telling me that it was just sad, and it was awful that that was the only outcome possible. Personally? I was happy. There are just times when certain actions are really ok. Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do. And that's why this is my all-time favourite movie. This isn't just an hour and fourty-three of pure filth. It's an hour and fourty-three of not being afraid to keep your eyes open to see the horrors of the world.
     And that's only just the plot. You know what else I love about this film? The cinematography. It goes a bit beyond the florescent-lit torture chamber to an eerily (yet seductively) lit abandoned orphanage. The way each character passes in and out of light is just pretty awesome. I wish I could find a great screen shot, but frankly? There aren't many pictures that are filled with gallons of blood and nudity (yes, gallons of nudity). Here's what I did find, though.
     Lastly: The soundtrack. I don't care how disturbing and upsetting this movie is, the music is amazing. I can't describe what the theme sounds like, because it's this...buzzing electronica, but it's downright sexy. It's hypnotizing and inducing. It makes you feel mechanical and programmed.
     I'll let you take a wild guess what your only function is.

Two of Ten: Primer

So, now onto one of the most complicated and intelligent movies I think I just might ever see. I saw this movie a few years ago with a group of friends. These kids are smart. Real smart. Engineers, physics majors, programmers, etc. In fact, every time I hang out with them, I always ask them to explain to me about something heavily mathematical. One day, I asked them all about time travel. After us just sort of talking about how cool it would be (the very basics of time travel are simple enough that there was no lesson to be taught), someone piped up.
     "Have you ever seen Primer?"
     Primer. Shane Carruth's 2004 masterpiece (and debut, yikes!). The plot? Two three-dollar-tie wearing dudes accidentally build a time machine in their garage. With time travel comes lots of possibilities (and time lines).
     My friends told me that no one could understand this movie. Now, whenever I hear about a cinematic challenge, I am more than happy to step up to the plate (you will certainly believe me when you read my Number One). So, cocking my head left and right, I announced that I was the smartest girl in the universe, and that no movie was too complicated for this brain. If you've seen the movie, you should find the humor in this. If you haven't seen the movie, know that I was as wrong as I have ever been in my life.   

Oh, you think you know. You think you know.

     My brother recently reviewed Primer, and it made me want to rewatch it. The second time around was a lot easier than the first time, but still made me punch myself in the skull to ease the pain. So I made it a resolution. I was going to understand the plot of Primer all the way through. There would never be a scene in which I didn't know exactly what timeline each character came from. That resolution? Well...
Two more viewings, ten pages of notes, about thirty index cards, and not a lot of sleep. The movie, clocking in at an hour and fifteen minutes, took me two and a half hours to watch the third time.
     But I get it. It's actually really easy to follow once you put the work into it.

You think there are blow-up mattresses in there?

     Why this movie made the top three: Primer is a movie you have to work for if you want to get it. And I mean, get it. Automatically, that makes every viewing of the movie more and more exciting. It's the gift that keeps on giving. Like, I actually feel rewarded when I watch it now.