The child is dead.

What a classy devil!

The other day, my friend asked me what my favourite type of horror movie was. I told him that ghosts scare me the most, zombies satisfy my gore-tooth, but I also really like movies about Satan. The only problem is is that I haven't really seen any...good movies about Satan.
     The Omen (1976) is one of the few that is good, if not great. While it did not contain a virgin girl breaking her own bones so that she may tie herself in knots (a huge plus in any Satanic verse), Damien, our reincarnate of Satan, is an evil, evil child. He was a more subtle Satan, I would say, since his parents didn't immediately jump to the conclusion of having an exorcism performed. Instead, he frightened and agitated animals, made people commit suicide, and attempted (and follow through) with murdering his own family members. Friggen rad, if you ask me. Harvey Stephens performance was incredible for a young boy. With virtually no lines, his main acting was with facial expressions and body language. Oh, and screaming. It's a great way to not have to go to church.
     The zoo scene was the scariest for me. Scaring off the giraffes is one thing, but having your car attacked by a pack of angry baboons? I can't think of any other animal so vile as a monkey. I can't stand them as creatures. Of course they are evil. They are disgusting creatures. I hated that whole scene. Case closed.

Look at those cheeeeks! He's just too cute!

     Has anyone seen The Swimmer? I know, I know, easily the worst representation of Hell the world has ever seen. But to anyone who has seen it, is the last scene, when he finds that house (with the weakest gate in the world in front of it) overgrown with vines, and a storm is crashing through...is that a direct reference to The Omen, or did something come before that? The two scenes are practically identical, save for the strange impaling of a priest. Speaking of deaths, the last character who dies has a surprisingly gruesome death. I didn't know the seventies had such horrors. 
     Here's to my sweet Satan.

Ok baby, let's see those boobies.

I have this book, it's called How to Survive a Horror Movie, by Seth Grahame-Smith. It's hilarious, insightful, and helpful in the months of July and October. If you haven't read it, check it out this Halloween season. It's short, sweet, and very much to the point. It covers just about every type of horror movie, but what about when the movie itself is just about every type of horror? Maybe I'm just blowing this out of proportion, but this movie is well designed. The more you know about the genre, the better this movie must be. I'm probably at a 102, possibly a 201 level of horror, and I still enjoyed this movie so much. Ladies and Gentlemen (all thirty billion of you), I give you The Cabin in the Woods.

These guys...

     The plot is simple. Five kids go to a, well, a cabin in the woods which is rigged with all sorts of traps. The traps are set by this company of some sort (that has competition all around the world), who watch them like spies. They've got switches and levers and all sorts of buttons to alter the cabin, summon monsters, and put drugs into the air they breath. They even hired a creepy old man to reside in a closed-down gas station, warning them not to go to that cabin ("I have the Harbinger on Line 2!"). In essence, they are the directors of the "movie". But what of the cast?
     Dana: The Virgin. We don't see her tits.
     Jules: The Slutty Bimbo Blonde. We see her tits. She gets killed.
     Curt: The Jock. Jules's boyfriend. He also sees Jules's tits. He gets killed. Here's why you know straight away, as taken from How to Survive a Horror Movie: Curt says, directly, "we can cover more ground if we split up". Horror Movie says "you forgot to add 'with blood' between 'ground" and "if'".
     Marty: The Stoner. Now, what's with this guy? He's clearly just a live-action Shaggy, minus a great dane. He smokes weed all day (erryday), with cheesy lines about conspiracy, being too high, and "I'm going to go read a book with pictures." I understand making the Stoner a dumb character (and thereby subtly telling audiences that smoking pot is bad), but dude, smoking pot saves his life. His bong is..well, pretty amazing. I can't find a picture of it online that doesn't totally spoil it, so check check it. Also, he is the first character I have seen in YEARS (aside in lower-budget films) who actually exhales smoke on screen.
     Holden: I don't know, some sociology major who makes out with Dana. I think he's supposed to be the hot-nerd or something.

I laughed pretty hard.

     A typical Slasher group, but the ones with the knives are the least of their worries. The company running the show has a collection of every type of ghoul on the market, including what appears to be a guy who tried to make out with a Robo-Geisha. It makes for quite a long-lasting climax.
     Remember when I said that this company has competition? They're competing with Japan, go figure, and the Japanese have a "ghost" haunting a classroom with a scary Asian ghost (the most horrific type of ghost!). "How hard is it to kill a group of nine year olds?" In the end, though (minor spoiler), they girls dance in a circle, sing some happy song, and the ghost turns into a frog. Where the f-ck were these girls when I was having nightmares?
    
     One last thing: I loved who survives in the end.

Welcome to Terrorverse!

     I know I never write posts anymore, but the truth is is that I'm not really into watching movies until October rolls around and suddenly, everyone around me wants to watch horror movies. Thank Christ, because my house of twelve people all have been watching Snow White and the Huntsmen and have wondered why I won't join them. Anyway, to kick us off, I'm going to list my top ten horror flicks (you'd be surprised by what I haven't seen).
    10. Evil Dead 2: Come on, a classic! It's campy, it's supernatural, and duh chainsaw arm. Nothing else matters.
     9. Creepshow: I found this movie pretty tight, but my best friend's reaction is what makes this movie priceless. A movie containing mini-movies (with Steven King as an actor in one of them), she nearly barfed her brains out and screamed from the last one. I couldn't stop laughing, and for that, this movie holds a special place in my heart.

True story, my friend.

     8. Freaks: I didn't realize this was horror until recently. Packed with real, actual sideshow freaks, and filmed in the 1930s, audiences were flipped out across the nation (or where ever the movie played at the time). Even some of the "freaks" were appalled upon seeing this film. In short: it's a love story between a "freak" and an anatomically normal woman. She's in it for the money, he's in it for the love, and upon meeting her in-laws, so to speak, they welcome her with the most famous line of the movie. One of us, one of us, gooble gobble gooble gobble!  She uh, doesn't take it too well.
     7. Braindead: Not Dead Alive which is the American remake. Fact: Bloodiest movie of all time, and also pretty funny. I'm scared to give anything away, for this movie has a sex scene I never thought I'd see, a priest who really does kick ass for the Lord, and heaven all mighty the lawn mower. Side note: Back in high-school, the typical dinner-and-a-movie date between my highschool sweetheart and myself, this was a popular vote.

He should have just said yes.

     6. Pontypool: Also a book and a radio play, Pontypool is the smartest zombie movie I've seen. Sometimes too smart for me, but I take that as a challenge. Brilliant plot with, I'll admit, an "obtuse ending" as my friend put it.
     5. The Loved Ones: High school prom movie. With torture. Horrible, horrible torture. Try putting salt in a wound. Amplify times a trillion. The Loved Ones.
     4. Paranormal Activity. I am not kidding I ran into the kitchen (but you could still see the TV from my viewpoint) and started cussing up a storm because I was so scared at the end.
     3. Saw I and II. The rest suck, but holy sh-t the first two are amazing. The endings to them are awesome, and the brutality is through the roof. The needle pit, as shown, is the only time I almost threw up while watching a movie. I crave for that feeling again.

IS THERE ANYTHING MORE DISGUSTING?

     2. The Sixth Sense. Not only is this movie thrilling and beautiful to watch, but I have a strange story about when I saw it in theatres. My friend's dad took us to the movies. We saw The Sixth Sense, and it was scary, whatever. But, on our way home, he drove us into a forest, left the car for thirty or so minutes, and I can't remember what happened in the car, but I just remember all of a sudden riding home. What?

I was afraid to even look up a picture.

     1. The Ring: The one and only reason why this movie is number one is because I'm still afraid of it. I was scared when I was 12, and I'm 21 now. I haven't slept in a room with a TV for nine years now. I know for a fact that I have seen this movie at least fifteen times within the first year it came out, and I will never watch this movie again.

There you have it. Hopefully this month will be more productive.