The child is dead.

What a classy devil!

The other day, my friend asked me what my favourite type of horror movie was. I told him that ghosts scare me the most, zombies satisfy my gore-tooth, but I also really like movies about Satan. The only problem is is that I haven't really seen any...good movies about Satan.
     The Omen (1976) is one of the few that is good, if not great. While it did not contain a virgin girl breaking her own bones so that she may tie herself in knots (a huge plus in any Satanic verse), Damien, our reincarnate of Satan, is an evil, evil child. He was a more subtle Satan, I would say, since his parents didn't immediately jump to the conclusion of having an exorcism performed. Instead, he frightened and agitated animals, made people commit suicide, and attempted (and follow through) with murdering his own family members. Friggen rad, if you ask me. Harvey Stephens performance was incredible for a young boy. With virtually no lines, his main acting was with facial expressions and body language. Oh, and screaming. It's a great way to not have to go to church.
     The zoo scene was the scariest for me. Scaring off the giraffes is one thing, but having your car attacked by a pack of angry baboons? I can't think of any other animal so vile as a monkey. I can't stand them as creatures. Of course they are evil. They are disgusting creatures. I hated that whole scene. Case closed.

Look at those cheeeeks! He's just too cute!

     Has anyone seen The Swimmer? I know, I know, easily the worst representation of Hell the world has ever seen. But to anyone who has seen it, is the last scene, when he finds that house (with the weakest gate in the world in front of it) overgrown with vines, and a storm is crashing through...is that a direct reference to The Omen, or did something come before that? The two scenes are practically identical, save for the strange impaling of a priest. Speaking of deaths, the last character who dies has a surprisingly gruesome death. I didn't know the seventies had such horrors. 
     Here's to my sweet Satan.

Ok baby, let's see those boobies.

I have this book, it's called How to Survive a Horror Movie, by Seth Grahame-Smith. It's hilarious, insightful, and helpful in the months of July and October. If you haven't read it, check it out this Halloween season. It's short, sweet, and very much to the point. It covers just about every type of horror movie, but what about when the movie itself is just about every type of horror? Maybe I'm just blowing this out of proportion, but this movie is well designed. The more you know about the genre, the better this movie must be. I'm probably at a 102, possibly a 201 level of horror, and I still enjoyed this movie so much. Ladies and Gentlemen (all thirty billion of you), I give you The Cabin in the Woods.

These guys...

     The plot is simple. Five kids go to a, well, a cabin in the woods which is rigged with all sorts of traps. The traps are set by this company of some sort (that has competition all around the world), who watch them like spies. They've got switches and levers and all sorts of buttons to alter the cabin, summon monsters, and put drugs into the air they breath. They even hired a creepy old man to reside in a closed-down gas station, warning them not to go to that cabin ("I have the Harbinger on Line 2!"). In essence, they are the directors of the "movie". But what of the cast?
     Dana: The Virgin. We don't see her tits.
     Jules: The Slutty Bimbo Blonde. We see her tits. She gets killed.
     Curt: The Jock. Jules's boyfriend. He also sees Jules's tits. He gets killed. Here's why you know straight away, as taken from How to Survive a Horror Movie: Curt says, directly, "we can cover more ground if we split up". Horror Movie says "you forgot to add 'with blood' between 'ground" and "if'".
     Marty: The Stoner. Now, what's with this guy? He's clearly just a live-action Shaggy, minus a great dane. He smokes weed all day (erryday), with cheesy lines about conspiracy, being too high, and "I'm going to go read a book with pictures." I understand making the Stoner a dumb character (and thereby subtly telling audiences that smoking pot is bad), but dude, smoking pot saves his life. His bong is..well, pretty amazing. I can't find a picture of it online that doesn't totally spoil it, so check check it. Also, he is the first character I have seen in YEARS (aside in lower-budget films) who actually exhales smoke on screen.
     Holden: I don't know, some sociology major who makes out with Dana. I think he's supposed to be the hot-nerd or something.

I laughed pretty hard.

     A typical Slasher group, but the ones with the knives are the least of their worries. The company running the show has a collection of every type of ghoul on the market, including what appears to be a guy who tried to make out with a Robo-Geisha. It makes for quite a long-lasting climax.
     Remember when I said that this company has competition? They're competing with Japan, go figure, and the Japanese have a "ghost" haunting a classroom with a scary Asian ghost (the most horrific type of ghost!). "How hard is it to kill a group of nine year olds?" In the end, though (minor spoiler), they girls dance in a circle, sing some happy song, and the ghost turns into a frog. Where the f-ck were these girls when I was having nightmares?
    
     One last thing: I loved who survives in the end.

Welcome to Terrorverse!

     I know I never write posts anymore, but the truth is is that I'm not really into watching movies until October rolls around and suddenly, everyone around me wants to watch horror movies. Thank Christ, because my house of twelve people all have been watching Snow White and the Huntsmen and have wondered why I won't join them. Anyway, to kick us off, I'm going to list my top ten horror flicks (you'd be surprised by what I haven't seen).
    10. Evil Dead 2: Come on, a classic! It's campy, it's supernatural, and duh chainsaw arm. Nothing else matters.
     9. Creepshow: I found this movie pretty tight, but my best friend's reaction is what makes this movie priceless. A movie containing mini-movies (with Steven King as an actor in one of them), she nearly barfed her brains out and screamed from the last one. I couldn't stop laughing, and for that, this movie holds a special place in my heart.

True story, my friend.

     8. Freaks: I didn't realize this was horror until recently. Packed with real, actual sideshow freaks, and filmed in the 1930s, audiences were flipped out across the nation (or where ever the movie played at the time). Even some of the "freaks" were appalled upon seeing this film. In short: it's a love story between a "freak" and an anatomically normal woman. She's in it for the money, he's in it for the love, and upon meeting her in-laws, so to speak, they welcome her with the most famous line of the movie. One of us, one of us, gooble gobble gooble gobble!  She uh, doesn't take it too well.
     7. Braindead: Not Dead Alive which is the American remake. Fact: Bloodiest movie of all time, and also pretty funny. I'm scared to give anything away, for this movie has a sex scene I never thought I'd see, a priest who really does kick ass for the Lord, and heaven all mighty the lawn mower. Side note: Back in high-school, the typical dinner-and-a-movie date between my highschool sweetheart and myself, this was a popular vote.

He should have just said yes.

     6. Pontypool: Also a book and a radio play, Pontypool is the smartest zombie movie I've seen. Sometimes too smart for me, but I take that as a challenge. Brilliant plot with, I'll admit, an "obtuse ending" as my friend put it.
     5. The Loved Ones: High school prom movie. With torture. Horrible, horrible torture. Try putting salt in a wound. Amplify times a trillion. The Loved Ones.
     4. Paranormal Activity. I am not kidding I ran into the kitchen (but you could still see the TV from my viewpoint) and started cussing up a storm because I was so scared at the end.
     3. Saw I and II. The rest suck, but holy sh-t the first two are amazing. The endings to them are awesome, and the brutality is through the roof. The needle pit, as shown, is the only time I almost threw up while watching a movie. I crave for that feeling again.

IS THERE ANYTHING MORE DISGUSTING?

     2. The Sixth Sense. Not only is this movie thrilling and beautiful to watch, but I have a strange story about when I saw it in theatres. My friend's dad took us to the movies. We saw The Sixth Sense, and it was scary, whatever. But, on our way home, he drove us into a forest, left the car for thirty or so minutes, and I can't remember what happened in the car, but I just remember all of a sudden riding home. What?

I was afraid to even look up a picture.

     1. The Ring: The one and only reason why this movie is number one is because I'm still afraid of it. I was scared when I was 12, and I'm 21 now. I haven't slept in a room with a TV for nine years now. I know for a fact that I have seen this movie at least fifteen times within the first year it came out, and I will never watch this movie again.

There you have it. Hopefully this month will be more productive.

Who are you pretending to be?

SPOILER ALERT:

Don't read this if you haven't seen the movie. Duh.

     Before I get started on my Dark Knight Rises review, I'd just like to say that I really used to enjoy going to midnight (or should I say...midknight!) showings of movies. Midnight showings meant the one showing that the nerdiest of nerds went to, and we could all bond in our love for a friggen movie that we had been waiting for what felt like all of our lifetimes combined. A good number of us would be dressed up, and standing in line could be a five hour event. It was an experience. Living in Seattle, I've come to terms with the fact that midnight showings now mean show up thirty minutes before the movie, and once there, the movie theatre is filled with obnoxious, elitist hipsters (do they come in any other flavour?) who are probably only there to later boast that they went to a showing of a movie that doesn't even exist anymore. Fucking hipsters. I wish, though, that the hipsters were all I had to complain about.
     Christopher Nolan, what happened? I thought you could do no harm. And this is the second time I've seen a movie of his that I actually had low expectations for before going into it. That's right. I expected to not like The Dark Knight Rises. I cringed at the news of Catwoman, and would have preferred Killer Kroc over Bane any day. But that discussion is no longer relevant. The Dark Knight Rises has already been made and seen and all of my hopes for it making my life a better place (which is what it seems to have done for all of my friends on Facebook) are gone. Alright, Aunty, what's your deal?
     Plot: As my friend Ben put it, the movie feels too written. I know that's silly to say because it actually was written, but everything fell too neatly into place at the very end. I understand that's one of the magics of movies. You make something seem unimportant so that when it is important you can catch the audience off guard. But Nolan wasn't very...good...at deciding what deserves weight and what doesn't (I'm even tempted to say that he was a bit Kafkaesque. Importance and unimportance were shot into the wind at some points...). My biggest complaint, and this will tie into another aspect of the movie later down the line of this way-too-long review, was when Bane blew up the football stadium, and he says that blah blah, the bomb could go off kind of whenever, but one of the citizens of Gotham has the device to blow everything up! Now, if you lived in a city like that, wouldn't you, as a person, try to find that person? That fact alone, in my brain, should have driven the city into a state of madness and chaos. This should have caused so much social chaos that Gotham would have destroyed itself before the bomb could. And that was the point, right? To destroy Gotham? Whatever. One more thing: I bet you ten bucks that if everyone in the movie had just stayed in Gotham, we could have shaved an hour off of this movie, or replaced it with better action and deep dialogue/quippy one liners. Instead, everyone was just scattered. Boo.

You'll find that lots of people shoot other people before taking the gun away.

     Realism: Hey, Nolan, you're all about this, yeah? That's why you didn't pick someone like Poison Ivy, or Mr. Freeze, yeah? I only bring this up since everyone and their mom enjoyed telling me this fact. Oh, Nolan is creating such a real Gotham. Oh, Batman is so realistic. Oh, Mr. Nolan doesn't like using special effects. Oh, His Holiness Nolan wouldn't dream of using CGI, and that's why he killed Two-Face before he could really flesh him out as a villain. Well, you know what? Shut the fuck up. The Bat made no sense. And neither did the fact that you can keep men alive for however many months in a cave with no escape. If you can fit a box through a hole, you can fit a man through it as well. But we'll just stick to passing notes. Also, how the fuck did Bruce Wayne get back to Gotham City after escaping that pit in the middle of nowhere? And I'm calling bullshit on Jonathan Blake for his logic in correctly guessing Batman's identity.
     Catwoman: Alright. Look. Anne Hathaway ended up making a great Catwoman, but (and this is a big, black-latex one!) Catwoman is still a worthless villain. She really only commits petty acts of robbery, and she makes out with Bruce Wayne and Batman. Romance is just stupid, ok? Ugh, there, I said it.
     Bane: He was also done very well! I THOUROUGHLY enjoyed any time that man used his fists. Especially when he bashes Batman's mask in. Irreversible, anyone? (Yes, this is my second Christopher Nolan review, and in both of them I referenced that movie. Watch it if you haven't seen it. It's good. Messed up, but good.) But why did he have some weird accent, and why did his voice have to be so distorted to the point that I couldn't understand some of his dialogue? Bane had a lot of good writing to him (even if I didn't really believe what he was saying). And why did it have to be Tom Hardy? I'm tired of seeing the cast of Inception. Please, put them to rest, Nolan. Bane also wasn't cruel enough. The Joker was made of pure evil that had no purpose other than to exist. And that's scary. Bane? Not evil, not really full of substance. Not really filled with anything other than lost love. That's what Mr. Freeze is for, son. Bane's character was flushed under all of the plots going on. They didn't even mention why he wears the mask. Ugh.

I actually thought Two-Face was going to make it.

     Remember when they (the writers) tried to set up that Bane might just be Ra's al Ghul's son? I present a question to my millions of readers: Did you assume Nolan was trying to change the canon, or were you thinking to yourself, you can't fool me, asshole. Because I definitely was thinking that to myself. Nolan, how dare you. What a stupid trick to try to play on me and every other Batman fan in the world.

     What I liked about The Dark Knight Rises: Scarecrow! That's it!
     Also, prove me wrong! But I'm pretty sure the word "rises", in that form and others, was used four times in the movie, in reference to light, war, darkness, and Bruce ("What are they saying?" "Rise.").

I like rocks. I LOVE ROCKS.

Alright. ALRIGHT. Last night, I went to see Prometheus with a very good friend of mine, Chris. Him and I had very different perspectives going into the movie, and I think it's safe to say that we had different (but not terribly different) feelings upon coming out of it. Chris is well versed in the Alien movies, and I, not so much. If you didn't know (but you probably did), Prometheus is a prequel to Alien. A distant prequel, at that, but a prequel none the less. Chris claims that I didn't miss out on a lot, but I felt like the only kid who didn't get the joke.

     Starting in the year 2089, a group of anthropologists discover a star system as depicted in ancient cave paintings, art, and even Egyptian hieroglyphs, that, without the proper technology, should have remained undiscovered by man. A few years later, with the crew waking from a long-term stasis, we find ourselves on a planet that at best, could be described as "very far away." I can't remember the exact number, but it was something times ten to the power of fourteen. That's a lot of zeros. Anyway, we get here, pretty much on the assumption that whatever lives here, we humans are direct decedents (or creations, pick as you please) of them.
      Once this movie gets started (and it's not a slow beginning by any means), it almost never stops. The movie hooks you from the start (well, except for that opening scene. What was that about? Neither of us were sure, even after sleeping on it...thoughts?), and very quickly spirals out of control. With every character having their own agenda, there's never something not happening. Believe me, the middle hour and thirty minutes (it's a two hour movie), were really f*cking cool. If there's anyone who laughs with delight at the sight of people getting...oh my gosh, I don't want to spoil any of the alien violence. I will say, though, that Chris found it very interesting getting to see all of these new and different breeds (if that's the right word?) of aliens (I had no idea what was old and what was new). This movie goes above and beyond with alien-on-human violence. I can't stress that enough. Elizabeth Shaw (the main character)'s first personal encounter with an alien is why I am proud to be a woman. Fun fact: Back when my parents still liked each other enough to go on dates, my dad took my mother to go see Alien while pregnant with my brother. m.brown, I hope you knew that. 

I was amazed at how well they could run in these suits.

     Believe me, there is a lot you can say about this movie. The characters were really cool, even if it took me a while to get used to their unorganized ways (I've been spoiled with Star Trek, in which every away-team is organized, disciplined, and trained to stick together and they always keep an eye on their android. Never, ever, lose track of yours!). I even gave Chris a quick rant (I say "gave" like he had a choice, but he's a good listener) about how this movie must have been so different and terrifying from a man's perspective, all while throwing titles such as The Exorcism, Teeth, and House of Leaves in his direction, as well as Greek myths. But I think I will save that topic for another day. The music was classic. I'm a sucker for sharp violins to build tension. Also, the song David plays early on in the movie as well as the song played during the credits? Frederic Chopin's "Raindrop" Prelude, Op. 28 No. 15. Raindrops. I mentally high-fived myself for catching that itty-bitty Easter Egg. Speaking of surprises, I felt like this movie was filled with them for the more hard-core fans, especially a lot of David's lines (I mean, he spent two years or whatever by himself. Do you know how many movies he could have watched? How many tv shows he watched? I would give all of my internal organs to become an android...). But I could be wrong. Oh, and props to books still existing in the future, even if you have to be the daughter of a billionaire to have an entire bookshelf of them.

Are you fucking kidding me? And I thought the Jem'Hadar were intense...

     So what qualms did I have with the movie? First off: The beginning. Like I said, what was that all about? Second, I missed a lot of the why things were happening bit. I might have been caught up in a daze by the visuals. Maybe I was overwhelmed because I was sitting in the second fucking row of the theatre. I don't fucking know. You know what else I didn't like? The alien ship main computer. The initial step of..logging in (?) was really stupid. Chris tried to tell me, "Come on! It's like Zelda!" but I didn't buy it. The computer as a whole didn't make any sense. How could any single creature use this? Especially from a chair? Which, by the way, this whole room was set up in a way that was bizarre. I mean, who sits at a table in a chair to activate another chair that comes out of the table that was also kind of being used as a floor? Fucking aliens. 
     You know how people say that you can't complain about realism in a movie filled with unrealistic things? Well you can. I made this argument in Attack the Block [review]. Just because aliens are running rampant, doesn't mean you can ignore basic and logical science. To put it vaguely, with the way she ran, I forgot about her staples. Bitch would have bleed to death before accomplishing the feats that she did.

     I also feel like this movie seemed rushed at times, which leads me to my final point. Maybe this is because I haven't seen the first Alien, but before I knew it, the credits were rolling, and I just thought, "Wait, that's it?" And that was the feeling that I carried as I walked from the theatre. Where did the excitement go? Where did the tension go? Suddenly, a wild Ending appears! You cannot attack; only flee! I don't know, but the ending kind of...injured my overall gusto. 
     Chris's final words: As a man who favors continuity, Prometheus is an excellent addition to the Alien universe. Stylistically, the movie was nostalgic, with it's rag-tag crew, facing a very large, and very brutal crisis. His recommendation: If you like Sci-Fi horror, watch it.

No matter how crippled, female, or black.

Remember being a kid, and your parents would take you to rated R movies? Oh, man, maybe you had the cool parents that would drop you off at an R rated movie, and you thought you were so cool (like talking about dirty things in the concession line with your fellow school boy cool). I mean, come on, your parents are allowing you to break the f-cking law. Ok, that's not what they are really doing (unless they drop you off, then that's exactly what they are doing), but man. I can only think of one rated R movie that I got to see, without an adult. Hannibal. I was eleven.
     I could go on about this topic for a while, but let's face it. I'm a whopping 21. Children, especially prepubesent ones fear and revere me. So on Sunday, I did the ticket buying. I got my own snacks (ok, I got my own popcorn, and my friend bought most of our snacks at a Bartells down the road). I watched The Dictator. I didn't see Bruno, but I did see Borat. Seeing as how this is Sacha Baron Cohen's...thing...I expected a movie that my brothers and friends would remind me that you can't unsee things. I guess, because of that, I went in with expectations that were..a bit..high. And no, silly billy, I'm not making a marijuana reference, but truth be told, it might have made the movie funnier.
     For the first part of the movie, our main man Admiral General Aladeen is the dictator of Wadiya. As an awful, self-absorbed douchebag, he's not very offensive. His humor is dark, yes, executing people left and right like he's just trying to swat a fly out of the air, but it is still simply comedic. All the little boys in the audience thought he was hilarious. I found his dialogue...Aladeen.

There aren't a lot of jokes that don't include his index finger.

      But the magic wore off fast. As soon as he lost his beard and donned a feminism whateverthefuck shirt that he found in a bin somewhere off screen, I was no longer impressed. Look, this doesn't mean I didn't laugh. Because I did! As a regular comedy, this movie is pretty alright! I enjoy slapstick (especially sudden slapstick) to be friggen hilarious. I could watch him throw (and I'm positive this was in the trailer) that trash can into that taxi forever. When he is both offensive and abusive, I laughed the most. I mean, come on, is this a boy or an abortion? 
You know what? Props to the entire pregnant scene. That was a bit offensive. 

I think that's about it. Oh, I would also like to give a huge props to the writers for making a movie about current events that even I could follow. To be frank (but you can call me Aunty), I don't...exactly read the news every day. Ok? Ok. I said it. There.
One last thing: Wost Edward Norton cameo ever.

He's adopted.

This was my face the whole movie

GO SEE THE AVENGERS.

You know how dudes like to look at boobs? Same thing for me. Same thing.

Note: There are two scenes after the credits. I missed the second one.

MAXIMUM DELIGHTS!

Yes, on a much lighter note, during my absence I saw Mad Max and Road Warrior on the big screen, as well as 2001: A Space Odyessy. Seattle was having the Science Fiction Film Festival (The sifff), and I couldn't turn down some of those movies. For example, 2001 was twenty fucking dollars a person! The two Mad Max's together were twenty four!


Holy crap, though, guys. I almost shit during 2001, and Mad Max was a ball. There were a ton of movies that I had to miss due to unpaid job/San Fransisco, but golly, what a fun time.

Maybe he wanted to fly one time.

I've been gone for a while. Sorry about that. In this month, I have moved from Boston to Seattle, and from Seattle, I took a road trip to San Fransisco. I've been to San Fransisco a few times, but I never really enjoyed it. It's alright. It's nice, but there hasn't ever been anything about that city that would come home with me. Nothing about it I ever really...wanted to talk about.
     Then I walked across the Bridge.
     I hadn't seen the documentary before hand. I knew that it existed. I knew what it was about. I assumed that it was something people used to talk about, but not any more. No one jumps anymore.
     No no, they still do. I get it now.
If this were a travel blog, I would talk about my walk. But it's not. This is a movie blog.


     In 2004, Eric Steel filmed the Golden Gate Bridge for a year. He captured a number of suicides on film, then interviewed the families and friends, not telling them he had the footage. He released these last moments and their stories in his 2006 film The Bridge. 
     Strictly as a documentary, and completely disregarding the subject at hand, this movie isn't ideal. I felt the music choice was really horrible. It caused me to laugh a few times and I really, with all of my heart, felt it was inappropriate to do so. Some of the camera work was unimpressive as well. And I'm not talking about the actual footage of jumps. Christ Almighty I would never complain about watching an actual person actually die but just out of shot, but a lot of the shots of the Bridge itself where boring. They weren't menacing. They weren't serene. They weren't geometrically alive. They were just bland, sped-up shots. Not all of them, but some of them. I also really really hate to include this, but remember in Paranormal Activity, when something scary was going to happen, there was that sound? That..reverberating..sound? This movie kind of did that. It kind of made you anticipate it. Those scenes turned the documentary into a home-made horror movie. It was awful. Also, including a little girls' soccer team named "SPLASH" isn't a good idea either. Ugh. I wanted to knock all of Eric Steel's teeth out and make a bracelet.
Another downfall (I have already slapped myself for the use of this word) of this movie was that they didn't give you a lot of statistics, or history, or anything. The movie is strictly about suicide and not enough about the Bridge itself. I had to do (not "had to do" per se, but more of " was possessed by the Bridge and felt the need to know everything about it, making me willing to do") a lot of research behind the creation of the Bridge, a more in depth history of the suicides (the movie doesn't tell you that one woman jumped, survived, then jumped again years later and died), and what the city is doing for means of suicidal prevention. They kind of just skim the surface of it all.
     I'm sorry! Just because the movie is about suicide, doesn't mean you can't do a good job! Look, there were times when I gasped (the first jump is awful). There were times when I screamed, like the second jump. The second jump was the worst for me. And the last jump? Steel built up to this for the entire movie. At times, I was bawling. My god, I haven't cried from a movie in a long time.
    
But I don't know how to exactly rate this movie. I don't know how to talk about it. I haven't figured out how to talk about The Golden Gate Bridge in any fashion since I stepped foot onto it.


But I get it.

What are you doing opening your mouth in my kitchen? You owe me two hundred dollars.

Every dream does deserve a fighting chance! And sometimes it is ok to give your family the giant, yet heartfelt middle finger to pursue said dreams! Alright, it's not that he was giving his family the middle finger, but he did have to go against their wishes to really get what he wanted. Please welcome 2010's hard-knock knockout The Fighter (yeah, dumb, I know).

I just realized I had a foreign poster.

     But this movie isn't dumb. It's far from it. The Fighter is a really beautiful piece about two brothers, both fighters, passing the title of glory from one to the next. It's really about family though, and if you have one, this movie is for you. No matter where you are from, there will be something that will hit home. 
     Sometimes, though, when things are too close to home, things become uncanny for me. Do you guys get that way? Do you feel uncomfortable when you see your life in art? Because I do. I really do. I honestly get too emotional about those movies, and that's why I tend to like things that are so far from my real life. Then, well, then it's actually fiction. With The Fighter, perhaps it was the large family lovingly smothering one child, claiming they know what's right. Or maybe it was Christian Bale. One of my brothers (I have four of them) is just like Dickey. In mannerisms, in posture, in looks (well, sort of), and I guess in spirit. I mean, just because someone, how do I say this, mentally exists where you don't, doesn't mean you aren't in their heart. Christian Bale and Mark Wahlberg really nail their brotherly love. I don't know. It's really hard to talk about this movie. But it was really amazing. It was really, really amazing.

I haven't forgotten about this!

I've been really busy because I'm moving across the country next week! Sorry sorry!

Yep.

You're going to eat lightning and crap thunder.

Rocky is one of those movies that I've seen parodied in every other movie, hell, even The Powerpuff Girls, but never saw the source. I mean, when I put the blu-ray in, I left the room to get a cup of coffee. Then I heard the theme, and I just started singing the tune. And I thought, holy crap I am so psychic that I already know the theme to this movie oh my god I'm so amazing. Then I realized that Rocky is just one of those movies. 
Don't know the plot? Shame on you. A poor South Paw isn't the stallion he used to be. "I got heart, but I ain't got no locker," laments Rocky Balboa. This is your typical rags to riches film, of a nobody who is really only famous in his poor community, rising to the top of the world. 

It took me forever to find a picture, and I don't
know why I could only find one from Africa,
but they did put this face on a stamp!

You know, that cliche stuff. I really liked Rocky though. I think I just like movies about fighters. About men who only use the strength their mothers gave to them to fight. I mean, you know what I think of fighters? Classic, Hollywood fighters anyway? I think they are horses with the body of a man and the heart of a child. In the end, he only cares about love (for his pets and I guess his girlfriend too).
     I feel a lot better having seen this movie. If Sylvester Stallone's face didn't totally remind me of my creepy uncle's face when he's drunk, I would love him. Uh, Stallone that is.

You get me drunk, I'll do anything.

Meh.

I don't even want to write this review. This is still part of the catch-up reviews that I'm writing, and this review is supposed to be about last year's Fright Night. This just isn't exactly fair. Here's why:
I hate vampires.
I hate vampires.
I hate vampires.
I don't really exactly like Colin Farrel either.
HUZZAH!

• "What are you working on?" "...Porn." "Good. I thought it was something creepy."
• Exploding strippers.
• Watching Colin Farrel('s character) die. Multiple times.

UGGGHHH!

• Vincent Price + Chris Angel = Peter Vincent? Worst character ever.
• Everyone reacts to things (things being exploding houses, dirt bikes being thrown through the back window of a vehicle, and death) the same way I react to finding out broccoli is back in season. "Oh my god, broccoli! I haven't had this in months!" And then I just get granola because I'm kind of a hippie. I was pretty tempted to put this under the HUZZAHs.
• St. Michael's stake was a little...cheap?

I'm too high for this s**t.

Guys, I'm trying to eat as many tortilla chips as I can before my sister-in-law comes home. Why? Because one time, I went to go see Peter Jackson's King Kong with two of my brothers, and one of them ordered a large popcorn and he apparently made a silent vow to eat all the popcorn before the King hit the screen. Isn't it hilarious that King Kong didn't appear until like, half way through the movie? It probably took him fifteen minutes to down the whole thing. Anyway, these two stories are actually unrelated, and what's more unrelated?

You can watch this movie, or
just play FIFA.

      Attack the Block. During (and this is according to Wikipedia) Bonfire Night, which is a celebration of all things that explode which in Great Britain is the fifth of November (I'm looking at you, brother. Watching V for Vendetta does teach you everything you need to know about British culture. Suck on that, loser!), some punk kids try to jump some lady, but oh no, in the midst of all the fireworks an alien comes crashing down landing facefirst (not really) into a car. Moses, our leader (don't be fooled), upon inspection and minor purloining (let that be your word of the day), gets attacked by the alien, so he seeks out an ego-filled revenge, hunting the little bastard down, and killing it. Then, and I do this with every animal I kill, he parades around with the corpse (I learned just now that a carcass is a dead animal, but the third definition adds: what's left of an animal after the butcher has removed the inedible parts. Huh.) like the champion that he is, and then..

"No one is ever going to call you Mayhem if you keep
acting like a pussy."

     ...brings it to his drug dealers flat? Who cares. Ok, you know how hornets and yellow-jackets release an alarm pheromone that tells his friends I'm dead come kill the shit out of who did this to me? Same thing. So, this sets up the rest of the movie, of this gang using all the street-smart they've got to protect themselves. I wish they had focused more on the action, because what action they did show was so great. I mean, just downright awesome. But, they didn't. The action was brief, and instead, there was a lot of dialogue that I'm embarrassed to say, but I really appreciated when my brother clicked on the subtitles. I mean, street-slang is one thing, but British street-slang? I..I don't even know. I could have watched the movie on mute and probably would have understood more of the dialogue.

Not a blue light in sight.

     Ok, but what about those aliens? They were awesome. They were these pitch black gorilla creatures with bright blue glowing teeth. They're pretty baller, I will admit.
     But I didn't like this movie. I mean, I liked it. I had a pretty ok time. I just had really high expectations for a movie this good, and they weren't met. The cast was well designed, but poorly played. Too much dialogue, not enough action, and a really stupid ending. What's that? I shouldn't judge a movie on realism because the plot has to do with aliens? No. Eff that. Just because aliens are invading doesn't mean that gas and fire interact differently.
     Lastly, I think that everyone in the world needs to learn that you should never sell a movie by sticking the words Shaun of the Dead on it. It will only lead to heartbreak (the last time I fell for this trick was Dead and Breakfast. Oh god. Never again.).

You want something hot and black inside of you?

This ship could kill every Enterprise,
every Star Destroyer, every everything.
Ever.

Event Horizon is a great example of how much better movies are when you don't know what they are about. Of course I had heard of the movie from just about everyone who is at least a day older than me, but I actually hadn't seen it until last month when I was visiting my brother for the first week of February. He's a huge believer in hard copies of movies, so there's a massive library of blu-rays that cover the walls of the guest bedroom. He always leaves his recommendations right by the tv in the mornings, and Event Horizon is one he's been leaving there for a while now. For some reason, it's really hard to get me to watch sci-fi movies, which is weird because I fucking love science-fiction. Anyway, long story short: I finally saw Event Horizon.
     You'll notice that sometimes I speak heavily about a movie's plot, and sometimes I don't. When I don't talk about the plot, it's because either a) I assume the readers know the plot, b)I don't want to spoil the plot, or c) if you don't know the plot I will honestly think less of you (because people think less of me all the time. It's only fair) So, here's a movie that I will honestly judge you if you haven't seen it, and secretly envy you because you get to see it for the first time.
     There's a line in the movie that best sums up my feelings for this movie: "Where have you been my whole life?" Event Horizon is scary. It's twisted. You know what? It's genius.
     WHO LIKES CINEMATOGRAPHY? I love cinematography! This movie is filled with really awesome, artistic shots thanks to the aid of a really sweet set. The thing about spaceship sets is that it's always a series of small rooms, with the occasional outside shot. Maybe it's because I'm a girl and have no sense of how large or small anything is, but I can never grasp just how large these ships really are. Event Horizon is the first time I've seen a ship that was so large on the inside, I was feeling a little agoraphobic. Weird, since this movie takes place lightyears away from civilization and the only thing surrounding them is pitch black, dead silent, infinite space. 

Lots of far-away shots make you feel so small in the depths of space.

I remember once in elementary school, we had an astronaut come to our class and tell us all about the wonders of outerspace. He told us about zero-gravity and how he got to pretend to be Superman, and about how hard it was to sleep because his pillow would float away, and then he talked to us..he talked to us about how there's no pressure in space. He showed us, using one of those squeezable clown things..you know, the little clown that when you squeeze its eyes bulge out of its head? The knowledge of the fact that I will explode in space has scared me for well over a decade now. On that note? Baby Bear's scene was really bad for me. Like, sometimes I hear him scream when I try to sleep bad.
     (Oh, another thing? You'll find that I rarely talk about soundtracks in movies because I usually just never remember them. I'm really not good at remembering sound at all. So, good. That's out of the way.)
     Irrelevant, but: have you ever read House of Leaves? Yeah. This is the cinematic equivalent.

Good show!

So there you have it. Aunty's Top Ten movies. 


My next task is to review all the movies I've seen this year. There really aren't many (I can think of twelve off the top of my head. It's been a slow year), so it shouldn't take me too long to catch up. After that, I get to watch movies again!
Right. Off we go.

One of Ten: A Serbian Film

This is the only movie that I
actually have the poster for.

When I was a teenager, I lent Chuck Palahniuk's Choke to my ten-years-older-than-me brother after I had finished reading it. He said, "I can't believe you read this." I think he was talking about how he was a little surprised that his dear little sister read a book about a sex-addict pretending to almost die all the time. Well, brother, um..don't freak out.
     I don't know what to tackle first: the plot, or the controversy. I guess I'll start with the controversy. A Serbian Film has been banned (either temporarily or permanently) from Spain, Norway, Australia, and Brazil. It received a limited and highly edited release in the United Kingdom and the United States, and you certainly will never be able to rent it from Netflix. It is a movie that a lot of viewers wish they had never seen, and few of them are willing to see it again after that. Common words to describe this film are "unwatchable", "disgusting", "dirty", "wrong", and the like. One reviewer also put it well: "You don't want to see A Serbian Film. You only think you do." So, what's got everyone's panties in a knot?
     A Serbian Film is a horrific and tragic and in my eyes the most misunderstood tale of a man who just wanted to save his family. Miloš is a retired porn star who has left his adulterous life behind to care for his beautiful wife and son, but at this point, they are facing poverty. One day, Miloš receives an offer to be in an "art film" directed by a man named Vukmir, an independent director with a clean background (so says Miloš's cop-brother). Vukmir promises Miloš he will never have to worry about money ever again, and while Miloš is hesitant, he accepts the role. Of course, after consulting his wife. There's a great line, when Vukmir and Miloš first shake hands, and Vukmir says, "your hand is special, for it has jerked a special cock." Come on, that's funny.
     When Miloš inquires what the nature of the film is and what will be asked of him, the director keeps quiet. He tells Miloš that he is the star, and his only job in this film is to, well, fuck. After all, Miloš is known for his ability to hold an erection as long as the camera is on him.Vukmir wants Miloš to look as natural as possible, so he can't spoil any surprises.

I don't know what's more twisted: finding out your dad was
a porn star, or finding out your dad directed A Serbian Film.

     I'm going to put this really bluntly, but I will not go into details. Rape, murder, pedophilia, necrophilia, and one more that I won't give away. All of these scenes are intensely graphic, and heart-wrenchingly brutal. In fact, it's no surprise that they are the only things that audiences can take out of the theaters. Yes, A Serbian Film is hands down the most shocking film of the century, and I doubt the director, Srđan Spasojević, will ever been known for any other film he might make. But there really is so much more than that. Now, remember way back in Taxidermia, I said that I didn't really understand other cultures in depth? Then I said that surrealism was universal? This time it's victimization. Miloš is not the monster of this movie. If you ever watch this movie, and you really shouldn't, but if you do, don't just watch what Miloš does. Watch for why he does it. Watch for how Vukmir and his nightmare camera crew convince him to do it. And always watch the women. You'll find a very sad surprise. God, this is just the tip of the iceberg too.

When you let the shock die down, you realize that
all you feel is compassion for this man.

     When I discussed the ending with my friends, none of them could quite get past the climax (an awful word to use when discussing a film of this nature). They were so numbed by that scene that they couldn't process the ending, telling me that it was just sad, and it was awful that that was the only outcome possible. Personally? I was happy. There are just times when certain actions are really ok. Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do. And that's why this is my all-time favourite movie. This isn't just an hour and fourty-three of pure filth. It's an hour and fourty-three of not being afraid to keep your eyes open to see the horrors of the world.
     And that's only just the plot. You know what else I love about this film? The cinematography. It goes a bit beyond the florescent-lit torture chamber to an eerily (yet seductively) lit abandoned orphanage. The way each character passes in and out of light is just pretty awesome. I wish I could find a great screen shot, but frankly? There aren't many pictures that are filled with gallons of blood and nudity (yes, gallons of nudity). Here's what I did find, though.
     Lastly: The soundtrack. I don't care how disturbing and upsetting this movie is, the music is amazing. I can't describe what the theme sounds like, because it's this...buzzing electronica, but it's downright sexy. It's hypnotizing and inducing. It makes you feel mechanical and programmed.
     I'll let you take a wild guess what your only function is.

Two of Ten: Primer

So, now onto one of the most complicated and intelligent movies I think I just might ever see. I saw this movie a few years ago with a group of friends. These kids are smart. Real smart. Engineers, physics majors, programmers, etc. In fact, every time I hang out with them, I always ask them to explain to me about something heavily mathematical. One day, I asked them all about time travel. After us just sort of talking about how cool it would be (the very basics of time travel are simple enough that there was no lesson to be taught), someone piped up.
     "Have you ever seen Primer?"
     Primer. Shane Carruth's 2004 masterpiece (and debut, yikes!). The plot? Two three-dollar-tie wearing dudes accidentally build a time machine in their garage. With time travel comes lots of possibilities (and time lines).
     My friends told me that no one could understand this movie. Now, whenever I hear about a cinematic challenge, I am more than happy to step up to the plate (you will certainly believe me when you read my Number One). So, cocking my head left and right, I announced that I was the smartest girl in the universe, and that no movie was too complicated for this brain. If you've seen the movie, you should find the humor in this. If you haven't seen the movie, know that I was as wrong as I have ever been in my life.   

Oh, you think you know. You think you know.

     My brother recently reviewed Primer, and it made me want to rewatch it. The second time around was a lot easier than the first time, but still made me punch myself in the skull to ease the pain. So I made it a resolution. I was going to understand the plot of Primer all the way through. There would never be a scene in which I didn't know exactly what timeline each character came from. That resolution? Well...
Two more viewings, ten pages of notes, about thirty index cards, and not a lot of sleep. The movie, clocking in at an hour and fifteen minutes, took me two and a half hours to watch the third time.
     But I get it. It's actually really easy to follow once you put the work into it.

You think there are blow-up mattresses in there?

     Why this movie made the top three: Primer is a movie you have to work for if you want to get it. And I mean, get it. Automatically, that makes every viewing of the movie more and more exciting. It's the gift that keeps on giving. Like, I actually feel rewarded when I watch it now.

Three of Ten: Airplane!

Be prepared. The top three movies on my list are just about as far apart as three points can possibly be. The bronze medal goes to...

Airplane! How do you even begin to talk about a movie of this magnitude? Well, you kind of don't. No words can compare with the amazing dialogue that floods this movie. In fact, maybe my memory doesn't serve me well (it probably doesn't), but I don't really even remember scenes without dialogue. 
     The plot is simple. A war veteran gets onto an airplane, and there are a bunch of hilarious characters on the plane as well. The flight is going well until everybody gets food poisoning (airplane food is always really weird), including the captain. NO ONE is capable of flying the airplane other than the war veteran who sweats so much he looks like he is melting. Oh, and his co-pilot? Inflatable.

If anything happens to your captain, you
better hope these guys are around.

Here's the situation. I was blazed out of my brains. I searched the internet for quite some time to put that as subtly as I possibly could, but there's no way around it. I was thoroughly baked at 451 degrees (I guess?) and just needed to watch a movie. Usually I watch Star Trek, but this time I wanted a movie, and I never watch movies in uh, this condition. So, already, I'm watching a movie under unusual circumstances, but the weirder part? I almost never laughed throughout the entire movie. Sure, I chuckled here and there, but I really only laughed at Otto the Co-Pilot. I certainly acknowledged when a joke was made, but they were so in sync with my brain that I just didn't laugh. I didn't feel the need to. In my situation, this movie was not the absurdist riot it is advertised as. It just made perfect sense.

Most impressive dialogue happens in this scene

Like Merlin watching Memento, you know?

(But seriously, this movie is fucking hilarious)

Four of Ten: Oldboy

1. OCTOPUS EATING.
2. HALLWAY.
3. HAMMER VIOLENCE 
4. REVENGE
5. TWIST.

Shame on you if I have to go any farther than that.

:3

Five of Ten: Drive

From the moment I heard the title of this movie, I didn't want to see it. Then I saw the cover when my brother left it for me to watch while he was at work and I really didn't want to see it. I figured it would be a movie about some dude in a stupid leather jacket wearing stupid shades doing stupid stunts in his stupid car, the camera taking an occasional break to show a sweet set of plastic titties. Oh my god, I was so, so wrong. Let's begin the TOP 5.

     Drive is an exceptional movie. I held my breath during the first scene. I held my breath during a lot of scenes. I was, and I didn't want to admit it to myself, but I was excited. Ryan Gosling, who I actually am not attracted to outside of this movie, plays quite the "mutha fuckin' fine ass pussy-mobile, mutha fucka!" (That line was applied to a car in the movie, but whatever) as the nameless driver. We'll call him The Driver, with a capital D.
     The Driver is a stunt-driver, mechanic, and most importantly a getaway driver. As a criminal, he never works with the same person twice. He allows his clients five minutes to get their job done, and what happens outside of his car just isn't his problem. And he's violent. Oh, he's violent. I can't explain it, but there's something about watching someone beating the shit out of a person with a hammer that just downright tickles me.
     I really don't know how to talk about this movie, or really want to talk about it for that matter. Readers, you just have to see it. I just don't want to spoil anything. The shots, the sunshine, and the scorpion. 

I will never know what love is because I am not her right now.

     Don't watch the trailer if you haven't seen it! It gives away too much of the scene as shown. This scene, which takes place in an elevator, is so, so very beautiful. Thinking about it now makes me upset. It was at this moment that I really fell in love with The Driver. He is such a beautiful character with the biggest heart. And don't you dare let him catch you saying otherwise. 
     Please, please see this movie. And when you do, watch his gloves. It might change the ending for you.